


Dallta Sheumais

by ntimli



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:41:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 28,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8343871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ntimli/pseuds/ntimli
Summary: What if Brianna had actually been Brian.  What if Jamie was right that heartbreaking day at the stones and Claire had been carrying a boy.  How will this change events in the story and how will it affect Frank, Claire,  and Jamie.  The title is in Gaelic and means “Just as James would do” if you want any hint on how the story will progress.





	1. Chapter One

_So this is what abrupt blood loss feels like,_ I thought.  I had been through the torment before with my first child.  But then my mind had no time to wander, then I had to keep myself alive.  Now I was surrounded by a room full of people, their sole goal was to keep me alive, _and the child_.  I had failed the first time through the ordeal.  Then the child had been wanted,  born at a time of hope and I had  failed even then. Now I was carrying a child that severed me from the man I had loved. Now I was giving birth in a time I no longer wanted to be.  The only thing keeping me going was a promise I had may in a fair distant land.  How badly would I fail this time?

“I am going to die” I whimpered to myself.  The nurse heard me and came over. She wiped the sweat from my forehead saying, “No you are not Mrs. Randall.  We are going to take good care of you.  I’m going to need you to push. We need to get you taken care of and we can’t do that until Baby is out.”

I felt like I had been trampled by a herd of elephants and the news that there was still work to do made me want to weep.  The nurse was telling me I needed to stay with them, but for what? The baby.  I wouldn’t be any good to this child, how could I?

  There was a large clock on the wall, I thought it had to have been slow, the second hand seemed to take eons.  The nurses and doctor kept telling me that I was nearly there that it was almost over.   The pain was unbearable and I longed for it to be done,  but I was seized with terror of what I would do once it was done.

Then suddenly I felt a great fluid rush.  I was sobbing and spurting out, “Is it over? Am I done?”

The nurse smiled and wiped my brow, “Yes darling it is over, they are just cleaning the little one right now.”

In that moment I felt something I never had before.  Millions of emotions swirled through me, grief for the loss of the child’s father, relief that it was over, and simple joy that I was done and alive, and so was the child.

“You have a son.” Some unknown voice said to me.  They leaned down and handed me a bundle.  In it was the most astonishing thing I had ever seen.

“Oh my god!” Was all I could say. His eyes were screwed shut, but he had a tuft of bright red hair, it was still damp and was squashed oddly onto his forehead.  He had a perfect nose that I had last seen on the painting of Jamie as a young boy.  I wiped the hair off his forehead whispering, “Mama has you baby, and believe me I will do every thing in my power make sure it stays that way.”

Then he opened his eye and I started sobbing again.  They were blue, and not just the shade that most infants have.  They where the exact dark blue of his father.

“Ma’m, Do you have a name for him” one of the staff asked me.

“Yes,” I said between tears,“His name is Brian.”

They had cleaned me up, taken Brian to be weighed, and moved us to a different room by the time Frank was brought it. He sat awkwardly down in the chair next to my bed. One of the nurse’s handed him the baby. He stared down at him and smiled a bit saying, “They told me it’s a boy. What will his name be.”

I knew his first name was had known since almost the beginning, but I had never put any thought into middle names.  I knew that he’d have to have a least a couple, he was a Fraser, if only now by blood.  James was out of the question,  Frank wouldn’t stand for that. Murtagh would create questions that Brian would never be able to know the answer to.   It would be in everyone’s best interest to stick with names that wouldn’t arouse suspicion,  it didn’t mean it couldn’t have meaning.

“His name is Brian,  Brian Alexander William Beachump.”

“And Randall” Frank said firmly.  “You remember your promise Claire.”

“Yes Frank,  his surname will be Randall.”

At that Brian started squawking and fussing.  An ever present nurse showed up with a bottle, but I reached out to take the baby from Frank.

“There’s no need for the bottle,  I can feed him.” Already tucking my hospital gown out of the way.

Both the nurse and Frank raised their eyebrows at me.

“Now really Claire,” Frank went on, “There really is no need for you to do.”

“I want to” I said through gritted teeth.  The nurse,  a rather young fashionable girl and a completely  different one from the strong comforting presence that helped me during labor, seemed throughly scandalized.   She bobbed about until she said, “Then please wait m’am.  If you do insist on doing that  wait until I get you something to cover yourself with.  We don’t want you disturbing the other mothers.”  The hurried out the room and came back with an ugly yellow cloth which she handed to me.

I rolled my eyes then placed it over me chest with Brian under it, at my breast. I could peak down and see him and he did seem to know exactly what to do.

Lost in the moment I said, “You’ve got quite an appetite, young man. I know where you get that from.” I quickly realized my mistake and looked over at Frank.  His jaw was tight and his nostrils flared slightly with annoyance.

“Sorry.” I whispered to Frank.

“You’ll need to learn not to do that, or at least not flick after you say it.  You can never tell him.  Don’t go saying this you can’t explain.”

“I know” I said as I shifted Brian to the other breast. As I looked down at him I could only think,   _God if any of you knew how similar they are._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the first chapter of my new fic. It will update schedule of every Monday. I decided to publish the first early as a preview of what is to come. I have hopes of this being a long fic. This will be a definite challenge myself piece. Each update will have to be at least 1,000 words and I have nearly the whole thing mapped out already but I hold it to all of you to keep my on it. I am still school so there may be moments where I cannot update but I promise all of you that this will be here for a while. I hope by the end to see an improvement in my fiction , and I hope all of you see it to.  
> You can follow me on tumblr at ntimli.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter Two

Crying was a normal state of existence in a house with an infant. The baby cries due to hunger, confusion, or any state of discomfort. The mother cries because of exhaustion and the sheer burden that is put upon her. Any siblings that reside in the house cries for lack of attention, wanting to remind their mother that they to are a baby and in need comfort. The only one in the house who seems immune to the pull is the father. They can leave the house, with the excuse that they must work in order to care for the family. They can pop out at any moment with saying something pressing has come up at the office they must attend to. The father can say that he couldn’t take the noise and needs a drink, which causes him to stay out late at night, and come home when he know the child is asleep. This is at least what I had found out in the first months after Brian was born.

 

Frank after months of skirting around Brian and I had decided that is was time to live a normal life; or a least normal from the outside. I had come home after a day of 3 month check-ups for Brian to find that Frank and I’s separate twin beds had been replaced with a double. When I asked Frank about it he had shrugged and said, “Well after what happened last week I assumed that we’d be wanting one bed.”

“Oh” I said blushing as I walked down to the nursery to change Brian out of his snowsuit.

  I had placed an exuberant now diaper clad Brian down and sat in the rocking chair in the corner. So after 4 years I was to be Frank’s wife again. From the moment I came through the stones I never expected Frank to take me back, when he did I had always expected him to realize that it was to much for him, that the situation required more of him that he could have then he could give. But he didn’t backed down, he stayed. I knew since my return that there were other woman, but I couldn’t hold that against him, glass house and stones after all. Still I had never thought we’d make it this far, to a point where he and I would have a life that we wanted all those years ago, expect now only one party seemed to want to move forward. I knew that to leave would be cruel to Brian, staying would offer him a stability that I could not provide on my own. I didn’t, couldn’t possibly love Frank anymore, but I was slowly emerging from the depressive state I had lived in during my pregnancy and early motherhood and was now beginning to feel the pull of loneliness. I knew now that I couldn’t live a life with only a child for company, and Frank it seemed wanted a family life. In that way at least we could help each other. It was far from perfect, but it offered at least something. I looked over at Brian who was trying to eat his fist and told him “I wish it could be better, darling, but this is the best I can do”.

 

Two months later Frank had decided one day to have some colleagues over for dinner, the first time since the previous disastrous attempt. Word had gone around about me throwing the wine bottle and storming out of the house, and while the guest were by all means pleasant, I could see the secret titters among them. Each one guessing if or when I would be set off, destroy something and storm out leaving my husband to pick up the pieces. _To hell if I’d give them a show_ , I thought and spent the evening as a model housewife. Taking note of the other wives to see if I could pick up tricks of the trade they had acquired over the highly structured upbringing. I gave me an odd sense of control, to observe them, as if I wasn’t really there, like it was a scene folding out in a play. In a way it was, the husbands would make there scripted joke and the wives would use their rehearsed laughs, all coming together in a seamless production. 

The men after dinner was done had gone into Frank’s office to see some new document one of them had uncovered, while us women were left to sort things out in the dining room. Some odd transformation occurred when the men left the room, the women started cracking jokes and genuinely being people. I felt an odd sense of release. They weren’t sterilized creatures, they knew all that they were putting on a show for others, all aware of what gossip could do. Grace Rutherford and slim birdlike woman came over to me while we were clearing the table and said, “Is the red from your side of the family then?”

My brain began to rapid fire answers none of them seeming to make it to my mouth until Ruth Thomas spoke up, “Well of course it must be from here side of the family. Brian is nearly as fair as she is and her husband looks like he spends all day in the sun, even when he tucked up in his office. So, Claire is your mother are your father red?”

“Well, they both died when I was quite young so I don’t have any real memory to place the hair to.”

A chorus of sympathetic titters fluttered around the room, then was quickly replaced by a discussion of which of their child’s feature came from which parent. In that moment I longed for nothing more than to say that Brian was the spit of his father. That he didn’t have an ounce of me in him. I followed slowly behind all of them into the kitchen, letting the grief wash over me for a moment before I tucked it away.

I was my brushing my teeth at night staring at the mirror trying to pick out pieces of my face that I could tell Brian that he had. I remember as a young girl longing to know what came from where in my appearance and making due with Uncle Lamb’s answers. I didn’t know if young boys wondered the same thing, but I thought I should be prepared, just in case. I still sitting there staring at myself when Frank came in. He saw me staring and asked, “Whatever is the matter” I didn’t look directly at him but made eye contact through the mirror and said, “I got asked where Brian’s red hair came from by one of the women at dinner.”

Frank put down his toothbrush and looked somber, “And what did you say.”

“I never really got around to saying anything before one of the women said it must have, saying how tan you where.”

“You really did make it difficult for us Claire, picking the one man who looks nothing like me. By the time he’s four he’ll look nothing like either of us”

“You can’t blame him for that Frank, he had no choice.”

“I suppose you didn’t either,” he said sardonically, “Now if you’ll excuse me I have work to finish up down stair.”

“Your bloody right I didn’t have a choice!” I said after him. What was I going to do. Brian already resembled Jamie so much, and how was Frank going to react raising a child that looked exactly like another man. Terror griped me when I realized that Frank may one day look at Brian, and only see the other man. Good God what would happen then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: So this is part two. The beginning note is not actually how I feel about Fathers I myself have an amazing one and have seen many great Dads. This is just how I feel about how Frank would be. My problem with Frank is, I don’t think he a good guy, he is a douche bag but I don’t think he’s a villain. He was just and unpleasant guy put in a unpleasant situation so he was just bound to fuck up. The next couple of chapters with follow the theme. I can’t tell you how flattered I am that you like my story and am so grateful for all of you. That you so much for reading and hope you come back for more. I promise it will get juicy. I just finished writing a really important dramatic chapter!  
> You can follow me on tumblr at ntimli.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter Three

Around the days Brian was learning to walk I had a startling realization,  I had stopped dreaming of Jamie. There were still dreams were I saw glances of him or fleeting touches.  But now I no longer dreamt of moments we spent together, conversations we had, or times we made love.  I was partially grateful,  Jamie had wanted me to forget him, wanted me to live a life; and I was doing that.  I no longer woke crying. I no longer had to deal with the cold shoulder I would receive from Frank after I would call Jamie’s name out it my sleep.  I was also terrified that this meant I was now losing him.  That he would no longer be an immediate part of my life,  that he would fall deeper and deeper into memory.  I knew this was coming back,  since the moment at those cursed standing stones that he’d be one day taken fully from me. But I couldn’t go back,  he was dead and I knew he’d want me to let him lie and for me to go one living.  

Brian decided he was going to learn to walk before he could actually stand,  this caused us to spend a lot of time at the park,  there the ground was softer then the hardwood at home, so when he fell I wouldn’t have to worry about him cracking his head open.  There were dogs at the park as well,  which Brian would chase after squealing, “DOGGEE”.  The dogs didn’t seem to mind the apocalyptic vision of a red headed snaggle toothed toddler running after him.

Today though I was sick.  I had a nasty head cold which was not being helped by an excitable ten month old bumbling around the house and yelping at anything he found remotely interesting.  At this moment he seemed to be trying to engage in conversation with the lamp in the corner of my room.  While the one sided conversation didn’t seem to bother Brian at all in the beginning,  he started getting annoyed.  So he bit the lamp, then started wailing.

I got out of bed with his continuous plea of “Mama! Mama!”.  I grunted as I scooped him up, placing him on the bed saying, “What did you expect to happen, you have teeth coming in it’s going to hurt when you bite something hard.”

It was a Saturday and Frank was home, coming up stairs and poking his head through the door he said, “Do you want me to take him.  We could got to the park”

“Yes” I said thrusting Brian in his direction.  Brian perked up at the news he’d no longer be stuck in a house filled with very untalkative furniture.  Frank put Brian down and they walked down the hallway. Brian reach up a hand for Frank’s.  Frank looked down a bit puzzled then awkwardly took it.  I stood in the doorway for a moment I could hear Brian babbling all the way to the door.  I turn and went to lie down in my bed I was asleep before my head hit the pillow.  

I was rudely awaken by the sound of crying.

“Claire wake up!”

“What, I’m awake”  I opened my eyes to see a frazzled Frank holding a very red face Brian.  

“What’s the matter with him?” I asked

“I don’t know he was having a fine time at the park until he just throws a fit and starts screaming ‘Oot, Oot’”.

“Give me him, he means tooth Frank.  He has teeth coming in and they’ve been hurting him all week”

“How was I supposed to now that! He makes a dozen different vowel noises everyday and I’m suppose to know the one that means tooth”

“Well I do! Now hand me the baby”

He was beginning a tantrum,  the sound of his cries were causing my breast to start leaking.  I had been trying to wean him but it seemed to be the only solution to the problem was to nurse him.  Frank calmed once the crying had stopped.

“So it is like this all day?” he asked.

“Not all day.”  Brian had tired him self out and was falling asleep on my chest.

“He’s like this sometimes” I said, “I really like it when he’s like this” I stroked Brian's cheek, it was round as an apple, and heartbreakingly prefect.

“Are you going to let him sleep with you?”

“If I move him he’ll start crying,  I’ve tried the whiskey on the gums and it doesn’t work with him” I snapped.

“He’s getting big” Frank said trying to change to a subject that wouldn't ‘unhinge’ me.

“You should see him around other kids he’s a giant.” I smiled down at Brian, now beatifically asleep,  I moved a cowlick off his forehead.

“Frank, you should try to spend more time with him.  I need help in this I can’t do it on my own.”

“I know and I try Claire,  but it’s difficult for me.  I have work and he doesn’t seem to want to have much to do with me when I’m home.”

“Because you don’t make an effort. He wanted to hold you hand today.”

“None of the other father’s I know would spend all day with a toddler.”

“But you did, please that has to mean something, could you try to bond with him.”

Frank nodded,  “I left my book downstairs” he said and left the room.

 _To hell with what other men do,_ I thought.  Frank had made me promise that we would raise this child as our own and so far I had been doing all of the work.  If I left Frank on his own he wouldn’t make an effort until Brian could read and write.  Now Brian just made noises, messes, and looked like another man.  Frank wouldn’t back out on his word, he would stay and provide.  But would Brian grow up to be one of those men who regarded their father as a stranger, an unknown entity,  a man how would arrive at moments to offer sage advice then retreat into his own little world, just another passerby in life.   Maybe if Brian had been a girl things would be different, the gap between the child and Jamie would have been large enough that Frank could ignore the other side.  But Brian in all his viking glory was simply and completely of another man.  The gap between Brian and Jamie was to small for Frank to ignore the other side.  It would always be there an ever present reminder of the man that his wife had loved.


	4. Chapter Four

Frank, Brian and I were at church on Easter Sunday.  It had been a good winter in Boston,  the snow wasn’t particularity heavy and there were fews day spent below freezing.  When Easter came there was no snow on the ground and small green shoots everywhere.

Brian was standing next to me, proud in his little blue suit.  He was under strict orders from Frank not to get it dirty.  Brian, as most three year and a half year old boys do, had fallen in love with anything that was loud or made a mess, preferably both. This meant the both of us had to watch him like hawks. I knew that if Frank saw him getting into trouble, he would motion to me to fix it.  God forbid he was to look like he was taking care of a child.  Brian seemed to be fully aware of what would happen if he got dirty and stuck by me acting like a perfect little angel child, he nearly never was.  I kneeled down to fix his tie and whispered, “You’re not going to convince anyone, they all remember your Christmas fit.”

“Wha fit Mama”  He said, complete with chipmunk cheeks and pouty lips.

“When you where just a tiny baby you threw a massive fit during the Christmas service that was so bad we were asked to leave.  Father was very angry and was convinced they wouldn’t let us baptize you there.”

“I was loud? I can get really loud like a plane.” He stuck out his arms and started buzzing,  very loudly.

“Brian, you can play plane later remember our little agreement.”  

“Yes Mama” He said as he smiled beatifically at one of the old woman passing.

 _Little charmer_ I thought.  I didn’t know if this was the best parenting tactic but I had taken to bribing Brian when I needed him to act a certain way.  Most of the time with would be little things like cookies, ice cream or a slightly later bedtime.  He knew that if I had promise him a new toy that the stakes must be high and any slip ups would be out of the questions.

As we walked into the church I heard Brian mumble to himself, “It’s gonna be a red plane, I don’t have a red plane.”

  The service went by without incident.  The Father was ending the service with announcements, and talked about the usual baptisms, weddings, and confirmations.  Then began talking about a very special announcement,  “We were very lucky to have a box of apostle spoons donated to us.  Sadly it is not a complete set, those in fact are very rare and incredibly hard to come by, all of you are welcomed to take a look after the service.”

I felt my blood run cold and a pain in the pit of my stomach,   _Could they be?_  The Father said that it was an incomplete set.  The one Jamie had given me would now be an incomplete set.  The spoon of Saint Andrews still lay for all I knew in a graveyard in Paris.   What would I do if they were mine.  God would the pain ever go away.  When the service was over I hurried to the front of the chapel to where the spoons lay on the alter.   A rush of unparalleled gratitude rushed through me. My first thought was _thank God they aren’t mine_ , the second was, _I commend to Thee, Lord, the soul of Thy servant Faith… and James_.  I rubbed the small J on the base of my thumb still grateful that I had something of the both of them and went and took Brian by the hand and said, “Lets go get you that plane.”

He looked up at me round eyed and said, “How’d you know.”

“I’m your mother.  It was a red one right?”

* * *

 

Brian utterly besotted with his new toy was playing out it the back yard with it.  The second we got home he was begging to be changed out of his suit and was now in a pair of grass stained trousers and worn shirt.  He then promptly asked for some easter chocolate to give to his plane.  He could probably stay out side for hours now that he had chocolate _and a_ plane. Frank was sitting on the kitchen table with a book one of his professor friends had recently published.

“Brian reminds me of my Uncle Lamb sometimes.”

“Really? How so?” Frank asked eyes still intend on his book.

“I don’t think Brian ever really wants to come back inside.  He be content to live in a tent with no running water. To him everything is a grand old adventure.  Or do you suppose that is just all young boys.”

“I don’t know.   I suppose I was young when the Great War broke out. Makes you grow up faster.  But lets see when I was three I guess I must have wanted to go to Antartica.  First people went to the South Pole when I was his age.” He went back to reading.

“What happened. No books.” I teased.

“People change Claire,  I find it hard to believe that Brian will love planes his entire life.  Look at you nursing was your calling at one time.”

I bristled at bit at that, “You should know that when Brian is older that I am going to medical school.”

Franks spine stiffened and he put down his book, “Is that wise?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, women have been doctors in America for nearly a hundred years.”

“Yes, but I doubt many of them had young children.”

“I’m not going until Brian is in school, I won’t have anything to do while he is there all day.”

“Nothing to do while he’s at school, You’ll be in class a lot longer than he is.”

I was about to answer when a loud crash came from down the hall.  I looked out the window to see if Brian was still in the back yard.

“Shit” I said and hurried down the hall to Frank’s office.  Muddy hand and foot prints where scattered about the room.  Papers had fallen off the floor along with a desk lamp which was shattered on the floor next to a sobbing Brian.  None of the mess mattered when I saw the splotches of red on his chin and hands.    I grabbed him, saying as many reassuring and comforting things I could coo at him.  Frank was standing in the hall way staring at the wreckage as I shoved passed him to make my way into the kitchen.  I sat Brian down on the kitchen table and ran to go get the first aid kit.  I was cleaning up all the blood saying, “Oh baby” over and over again.  The cuts were just on the back of his hands and a bit on his chin.  He must have raised his hand up to cover his face when the lamp fell. None of the cut would require sticking, but I did have to clean glass out of some of them.  I was hell to sit the and watch the tears roll down his cheek and hear him yelp, “Stop Mama”.   In the back of my head I heard Jamie’s voice say, “I can bear pain myself, but I couldna bear yours, that would take more strength then I have.”  Dear God it was hell.  I knew then in that moment why doctors never operate on their children.

When I was done cleaning the hand Brian tucked up in a little ball, refusing to give me them to bandage them. I was one almost to the point of tears myself and the last thing I wanted to do was to pry his injured hand away from his body.  I was pleading with him,  the tears must have been evident in my voice because he uncurled slowly and stretched out his hands to be.  I wrapped them lightly in cause and stuck a small plaster on his chin, finally lightly kissing each of his palms.

Frank came into the kitchen then saying, “I going to speak with Brian now.”

I got out of my chair and hurried into the hall.  Franks voice drifted slow out of the room, “Brian,  I know that you know that you are not allowed to go into my office.”

I could only imagine the look of terror on Brian’s face.  Frank had never been violent with Brian but he had yelled at him before for so long that I swore the neighbors were going to call the police.

“Brian you broke a very serious rule and destroyed a lot of very important things.  I lost some valuable documents, and I have to get a new rug and lamp.  But more importantly you hurt yourself,  that is why you are not allowed in my office.  Much more serious damage could have been done.   You’ll likely heal quickly, so I need you to remember what happened.  That means I’m going to have to take your plane away.”

I heard Brian begin to blubber, “But...Bu”

Franks voice was final, “You broke a rule Brian there must be punishments.”   Frank walked out the door and passed me saying, “I’m going to clean up my office.”

I walked into the kitchen and clutched and inconsolable Brian to me.   I picked him up and carried him to his room, and put him down to bed. I lay me had on his back and said, “Pumpkin,  you know the rules why did you have to go into the office.”

With gasping breaths he responded, “I wanted to show plane” and with a reminder of his plane he was thrown into a new fit of hysterics. Then he looked at me tears shining bright in his eyes saying, “Mama my hand hurt. You make it stop.”  and with that I was sobbing along with him.   When I left Brian’s room my eyes puffy and my nose running I realized the oddity of motherhood.   I sat there and cried with him over his hand and lost toy.   I myself had suffered loss and pain greater than that,  but in that moment I cried just the same. The feelings that he felt I had suffered many times over to the point where I should have been immune.  But that didn’t matter when you are a mother,  suddenly your heart no longer exist in your chest, it beats stronger and more powerful than you ever thought possible,  but it beats in the chest of your child.  

* * *

 

The house was noticeably strained after that.   That moment in the kitchen was one of the first times Frank had taken an active role in Brian’s life.  The fear that I had when Brian was a baby, that Frank could never get passed the fact that Brian was growing up and slowly become another man’s child had come true. But that moment in the kitchen however traumatic had given me hope that Frank would take some part in Brian’s life. But it proved to be to little to late.  Brian had discovered what holding a grudge was,  and the rest of us discovered exactly how stubborn he really was.   It had gotten to the point where Brian would here Frank coming home and stand by the front door until he came in,  make eye contact and then walk away not saying a word to him.  This had been going on for almost a month.  Frank had taken to working later and later hours.

  Until one day after he came come early with a parcel tucked under his arm, and placed the package on Brian’s chair at the table.  When dinner time came Brian opened it up.  It was a new plane,  a much nicer one than his old one.  But that didn’t matter to him.  He looked at the plane for a moment, then looked at Frank and said, “Thank you, But my plane is red”  and with his new sliver plane in his hands he got up from the table and went to his room.  I looked over at Frank,  I was biting my cheek hard to keep from laughing.   Frank looked like he had just eaten a bowl full of lemons, he shook his head and said, “I tried Claire.  He’s just too stubborn.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! Next week will be a important one so stick around.  
> Comments and Kudos give me little serotonin highs and are always loved. If you have the time or a tumblr please go follow me at ntimli.tumblr.com and see all the other things I've written, or just random thoughts I have. Much love, Ntimli <3


	5. Chapter Five

 I was sitting at the kitchen table with medical school pamphlets spread across it.  I was fortunate enough to have a number of good schools in the area that I could attend. That was if they accepted mothers of young children.  Brian had just started his first year of school. Without his hyper active presence in the house I was left with nothing to do.  My days where no longer spent taking care for Brian’s many climbing, running, jumping, sliding, and skipping related injuries or on of the numerous messes left in the wake of his meal or ‘adventures’.   He loved going to school and absorb everything like a sponge,  the teachers seemed to adore him even though I had gotten one are two comments about him having a ‘smart mouth’.   He was also learning how to read,  and this meant he would spend more time sitting in one place, eyes intent on the page than scaling his dresser and then jumping off it onto the bed.

 I had taken Brian’s new independence as a sign for me to go to medical school.   _I probably could be given a spot on the trauma ward right now_ I thought as I looked over at the first aid kit on the counter.  It had been moved out of is residence in the upstairs closet and onto the counter for always ready use.   There was one program that looked interesting, well more wonderful.  It was less then a 30 minute drive away and I could start next September.  I saw no reason why I shouldn’t at least apply.   I would need recommendations.

  I was going through stacks of paperwork trying to see if I could find anything with one of the addresses of the nurses I served with during the war.   Through my search I had managed to find a letter one of the women at church had written me after Brian’s Christmas temper tantrum,  the letter that Frank’s publisher's had sent when the agreed to print his book, and a rather large heavy envelope from Reverend Wakefield that had been tucked away in a corner.   I decided I no longer needed the letter from the church lady but left the other two on the table to see if Frank wanted to keep either of them.  I couldn’t find any of the nurses addresses anywhere so I decided to write to Pembroke and see if any of the senior nursing staff still worked there.  

Frank only had one lecture today so he came home early.  He was removing the contents of his over coat when he saw the pile on the table. He nodded towards it saying, “What’s that.”

“Oh I found that when I was looking to see if I could find a letter from one of the nurses I worked with,  I didn’t know if they had any value to you so I left them for you to look though.”

“Yes, quite,  I’d like to keep it.  Let me just put it away in my office.”

“Okay,” I called after him, “I’m going to step out for a moment and post a letter.”

It was a 20 minute to the post office, but it was a lovely late fall day and I didn’t mind the exercise.  It also gave me time to think.  I knew I was going to medical school,  I didn’t know how many hoops I would need to jump through to get there but one way or another I was going.  I felt an absurd little thrill by doing something for myself,  I finally would be able to heal again,  I loved Brian and I loved being his mother but there was more to me than just that,  I knew there would come a time where he would no longer need me, and I didn’t want my life to end when his just started.   In that moment with the sky shining above me I felt well and truly happy for the first time in a long time.  The fall leaves seemed brighter colors the air sweeter, and the faces around me seemed happier.  I posted my letter and walked home with a near girlish giddiness flitting around in my body.   

  That all went away when I got home.   I walked through the front door and could feel something well and truly wrong.   There was no screaming, crying or any other sign of distress in the house but something in me yelled, _Find your child._ I walked up the stair and into Brian’s room.  Everything appeared to be fine he was sitting on his bed a book in his lap,  that was until I saw his forearm.  

“Brian who grabbed you.” He sunk down deeper into his bed and wouldn’t look at me.

“Did this happen at school?” I hadn’t seen them at all before I had gone out, the only one who had been home was Frank- and with that I was running downstairs.  When I got to his office he was sitting with he head in his hands. Something cold and primal welled up inside me as I said, “Why does Brian have marks on his arm.” 

“God Claire I am so sorry” He said his voice miles away

“Why does he have marks on his arm” I said again through my teeth.   Frank got out of his chair and tried to reach out towards me but I jerked away.

“You didn’t answer me question.”

“Don’t make me tell you the facts of it.  You know enough already.”

I yelled, “No I do not,  you will tell me why you grabbed his wrist hard enough to leave marks.”

Frank sighed, “He was going through my wallet,  and found this note.” He handed me a crumpled piece of paper that smelled heavily of perfume.

“He started, well he tried to read it and I asked him to give it back to me but he wouldn’t listen.  I made a grab for it and I caught his wrist, then he let out this horrible noise and ran up to his room.  I didn’t think he’d want me up there so I just stayed here.”

“You are a sorry excuse for a man” it was all I could think to say to him.

“I’m so sorry you had to find out this way.”

“I don’t care at all if you have a mistress, you can have a whole bloody harem.  What matters to me is that you told me that we would raise Brian as our child.  No parent would leave their child sitting alone with bruises on his arm that you don’t even know about because you decided to sit in your office and wallow in self pity!”

“Brian has never acted like my child.  If you maybe didn’t spend every waking moment of your day with him making him think that you are the only one that cares about him maybe I could feel sometime.   But you and your goddamn selfish trying to keep every last drop of James fucking Fraser all to yourself, you wouldn’t let me near him.  Why are you afraid I’d corrupt your perfect son.  Afraid I’d make him different than the your perfect _Jamie!”_

I was really angry now,  “Are you saying you cared for him! From the minute he was born you didn’t give a damn about him!  All you saw was his red hair and blue eyes and knew he’d grow up and be another man, you wiped you hands of fatherhood the moment he was born.”

He lips curled rather unbecomingly and he said, “So what are you going to do then,  leave me? You have nothing.  What do you think medical school would except a single mother? Please don’t be idiotic.  What you think you can go back to your standing stones and live that fucking fantasy of yours”

“Every last thing I told you was true Frank.  The only reason I came back was because Jamie died, and I had a promise to keep his child safe. Being with you was a forced alternative to nothing!”

“After all this time Claire I always thought you would eventually tell me the truth.  I always thought I’d get the real answer.  I thought maybe you would had made up some fantasy because he left you and you couldn’t bear it but you still believe you traveled into the past?”

 “You looked for me didn’t you.  You’d never admit that I was telling the truth. But you looked. You tried to see if I left a trace?  Did you have your other history cronies do it.  Didn’t want to act like you might believe, you poor deranged wife?”

“Your being irrational” Frank said as he turned away from me.

“I’m leaving you answer or not.  You could have one moment of decency in 6 years.  The choice is yours.”

“I suppose that’s what you wanted me to be, a _hero_ like him.”

“He was a great man, all I wanted was for you to be was a decent one.”

Frank walked to the built-in and removed a sheet of paper from the envelope  from Reverend Wakefield.  He held it for a moment then said, “I do not believe you deserve after all you have done.  You ruined our life Claire,” He handed me the paper.

“He’s alive, or at least he survived Culloden.”

 

I had gone to my room and filled my bag with as much clothes as I thought I would need.  I went to Brian’s room and did the same.  With military like efficiency I had Brian round up any toys or books he wanted to bring with him and we where in the car.  Brian looked back and the house then back at me and said, “Should we say bye”

“Do you really want to” I asked.

“No”

 With that we where off.   I had gotten us a room at a small motel.  Then what? Right now I had some money.  I could buy tickets to the England then we could drive up to Inverness.  If Mrs. Graham was still in employ of Reverend Wakefield, surely she would help me.  Would she?  She had been one of the only people to have believed me.  She had been supportive then, but now would she help me.  After all I was putting Brian in a serious amount of danger.  How could I even think of doing that to him. Throwing him into an unknown place and time.  But then again, he was still so young and plastic. He could adapt to it,  maybe even thrive.  I knew he was exactly like his father, no matter where he went he would do well. Now all that lay in question was would I risk everything so that Brian could meet his Father.  I would throw away the life I had now in order to have a chance at a family I had all those years ago.  I looked over at Brian napping next to me on the best.  The light set high hair a blaze,  the strong clear line of his face were starting to emerge out from under the baby fat.  

“Looks like maybe I can do better baby.”

I had decide then. I would go to Scotland,  to see what there was to find.

Authors Note: I had fun writing this.  I just played Burn,  Back to Black, and I will survive on loop while writing it and it was great.  Again thanks for reading.  Likes, reblogs, and comments always adored.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading. This is the start of the plot picking up. Hope you all enjoyed <3


	6. Chapter Six

 

The mourning sun hit and sparked Brian’s hair, he mumbled sleepily and nestled deeper into his pillow. I leaned down and kissed him on the cheek and said, “Come on then little man, time to wake up.”

He dived down deeper into the blanket, giggled as he dove to the bottom of the bed.  

“Now you wouldn’t want to miss the plane would you?”

Brian shot out of the blanket like champagne cork,  “What!”

“You and I are going to Scotland.”

Plane rides are a long business,  made even longer with an excitable almost 6 year old.   Brian was awfully upset that he could only go to the cockpit once.  He sat staring out the window, while I sat sitting next to him writing a letter to Frank.   I wrote down all the my thoughts of that sheet of paper: how I had known for a long time that our marriage wouldn’t work out, how I was sorry about what had happened with Jamie, but I could never regret it as long as I live, and finally that no matter what Brian was the most important thing in my life,  he would always be my priority.  

 I tried to sleep a bit, but my mind kept going back to Jamie.   So he was alive.  The thought that he didn’t die on Culloden moor,  that he wasn’t buried in a mass grave soaked with the blood of hundreds of soldiers made me want to get down on my knees and thank God that he was spared.  I was so angry.  I was mad that Frank would have never told me.  Mad at the six years lost, that Jamie would never hold his son as an infant,  or see him take his first steps.  

 I knew that it was ridiculous to think it, if I stayed I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt I would have died in childbed,  Brian most likely dying along with me.  Now I didn’t even know if I could make the journey with Brian, or if I would.    Could I risks him like that. Hurl him into the unknown.  Looking over at him, his bones strong beneath his clothes and the clean lines of him,  I couldn’t feel anything but calm reassurance that he could handle anything that life would throw at him.  Was that just a disillusion of a mother, that there child is somehow above all things.  

I looked down at the J carved in the base of my thumb,  a promise of the flesh, just as Brian was.  A promise of something eternal and beyond Jamie and myself.   But that was a promise made years ago, and time weakens all things.  I knew I loved Jamie, but 6 years was long time and I had no idea what his life would be like now.   I knew was that it must be difficult and while the Jamie I knew seemed to be able to weather anything, every man had their limits.

I was no closer making a decision than I was when I began my the train of thought, but I had succeeded in wasting a good bit of time.  I stared out the window and watched the sun spark the ocean.  The sky was a deep rosy pink fading up to purple.  I remembered an old rhyme I had heard, _Red sky at night, shepherds’ delight. Red sky in morning shepherds’ take warning._ The thought gave me an absurd sense of peace, that no matter my challenges they would look better in the morning.  

 It was late by the time we landed in London.  I had slept awkwardly and had a crook in my neck, but we still had miles to go before we reached our destination.  It wasn’t to deep into the night that the train to Inverness wasn’t running.  I purchased a ticket for Brian and myself.  It was a comfortable train car, with plush seats and a large clean window. Having slept through most of the flight Brian didn’t seem at all happy at the idea of sleeping through the train ride.

“You know if you don’t sleep it will be very boring.”  I chided him.

“I can look out the window.” He made a show of propping his head in his hands and staring out the window,  the window offered a dazzling view of a dark train station.   He seemed happy, but I could still see a bruise peaking out from his sleeve.

“We are not going back to Boston, Brian.  Or we aren’t going back to Dad.” I needed him to be sure of that.

“Oh.” He said.

“You won’t have to worry about school you can go to school anywhere.  I didn’t even go to a real school.”

“Okay”

 He began to tuck into himself, that was was never a good sign.  

“What’s wrong, love?”  He was sitting across from be and turned himself so he was fully facing the window.  For a moment I thought I saw his bottom lip quiver.

“It’s okay,  you can tell me.”

“It’s my fault.” he said in a small voice.

“No, darling, it is not your fault.  You did nothing wrong. Never ever think that you did”

He shook his head slightly,  he pressed his head against the window. His breath fogged up the window and he hastily wiped the fog away, then brought his arm to his face and wiped his eyes.

“Yes, Mama”

It was a slow progression up to Scotland.  The sun slowly illuminated our train cabin and filled up all the cracks and crevices.   Brian and I talked sporadically pointing out things of interest we saw out the window,  asking unimportant questions.

 I had lived in Boston more than twice as long as I had lived in Scotland but I still felt as if I was going home.  I knew once I got there I would have a mountain of things to do.  If I was going back, I need to find proper clothing and find something of value I could use as currency.  There was the added worry of the culture shock for Brian.  How would he react to a world with no running water, cars, or electricity.

If I stayed I would need to enroll Brian in school,  immigration would be no problem, his birth certificate showed two english parents.  I myself would need to find a job,  it would have to be nursing somewhere.   I was still in the process of making mental checklists when we rolled into Inverness Station.   Brian hoped off his seat was out the door.

“Wait for me” I called after him as I took my first step on Scottish soil in a long time.

_Author’s Note: As always thanks for reading_


	7. Chapter Seven

 

The door of the manse was opened by a gangly teenage boy.  He opened his mouth as if to speak, but shut it when I walked through the door with Brian in tow. 

“Hello Roger, You probably don’t remember me, I am a friend of your father and Mrs. Graham. This is my son Brian.” I thrust Brian in front of me.  The heat of the house was a comfort from the nip of the early October morning. I had the sense to be standing on a doormat,  the frost was quickly melting off my shoes.

I heard Reverend Wakefield before I saw him.   He called “Who is it” before rounding the corner.  He went more than a little white at the sight of me and Brian,  then quickly said, “Oh, Mrs. Randall I wasn’t expecting a visit from you. Do you have bags, ah yes, Roger go take those up to the guest room.” Roger looked mildly annoyed but shouldered some of the bags and left, with a mumble, “Yes Dad.”

The Reverend at a loss for words stood there for a moment and then said, “Mrs. Randall would you care to join me for breakfast?” Gesturing farther back in the home.

“Yes I would. Thank You.”  Smiling as gentilly as I could.

The kitchen looked exactly the same.  Chair, pots, pans, and linens in perfect condition.  Completely neat and orderly a sure sign of-

“Oh goodness, Claire is that you, oh and this must be Brian what a fine you lad he is.” Mrs. Graham said as she embraced me.

“I’m sorry to arrive unannounced it, It’s just this trip wasn’t exactly planned out that thoroughly and we were in the area and, well” I finished awkwardly.  Throwing one arm up in the universal symbol of surrender to life’s oddities.

“Oh nonsense, there is always a room for ye.” Mrs. Graham chirped as she finished breakfast preparations, which smell heavenly.

“Will your husband be joining us?” the Reverend said, looking excited at the long history discussion he would have if Frank suddenly materialized.

I fiddle with my hands for a moment,  to prepare my thoughts. I took a deep breath and said, “Well the thing is, you see, Frank and I are, at least I believe that we are no longer together.”

That got both of their attention.  They stared at me, eyes gone wide like two owls,  both of them barely moved, as if I had just turned them to stones.  I leaned down to Brian and said, “Why don’t you go see what Roger is up to? I’ll call you when breakfast is ready.”

With Brian out of the room the questions began, “Well surely you can work this out. I mean it must be recent I’ve heard no news from Frank.” The Reverend said,  a bit too much like one talks to an upset child.

“Issues have arisen between Frank and I that are unsolvable, and information has come to light that I that changes some things.”

“Is that so surely there is-” The Reverend continued before I interrupted him.

“Brian’s father is still alive.”

A crash came from the other side of the room as Mrs. Graham dropped a frying pan on the floor. She quickly dipped down to pick it up scowling at the dent it left.

“Does Brian know?” Reverend Wakefield asked, voice suddenly hushed.

“No I haven’t told him, though Frank knows, you did the research for him.”

“What research? The only thing Frank had me look up was a minor landowner in the 1700's.” The idea dawned on his face and he looked at me aghast, “Surely you can’t still believe that delusion of yours.”

“You can not believe me if you want to. But I know what I know.”  I said, bristling. 

Mrs. Graham trying to diffuse the tension said, “Reverend? Why don’t you get the boys down for breakfast.”  He shot a cautious glance between Mrs. Graham and I, but rose and walked out the kitchen.

The second he was out of the room she sat across from me and said, “Are you sure he is still alive?”

“I know he survived Culloden.”

“Are you going to find him?”

“I don’t know. I can’t see a life for myself here, and if there is any chance that Jamie can know his son, shouldn’t I go back?” My head fell into my hands.

She didn’t answer my question and just said, “I reckon he must be the spit of him.”

We heard the boy trumpeted down the stairs and she turned to me and said, “Whatever help you need, I’ll do it.” and then started shoveling toast and eggs onto plates.

Breakfast was an awkward affair for the adults, but the children didn’t seem to notice, and Brian was busy retelling his travels on an airplane, taking breaks to scoop food into his mouth.  Roger grabbing the silence provide my Brian’s eating to tell us about his activities in school. Reverend Wakefield excused himself saying he had a sermon he wanted to finish. The boys left to go play in the back garden, and I helped Mrs. Graham clean up.

The water was warm against my skin.  The soap slipped and glided over the plate I was washing.  I stared out the window.  The landscape was starting to fall in the bleakness of late fall, a quote I had read slipped through my mind “You can never go home again.”  it bounced and echoed,  leaving me feeling panicked. Would it be the same.  Would I stumble into an unknown unwelcome place.   I had happened to me before when I returned to the twentieth century.  The world was alien,  unfamiliar,   _ unwanted _ .   Was that just the effect of the debilitating grief I felt after I had left Jamie.  Would it ever feel the same if I returned.  The idea of returning Lallybroch, made me want to weep with joy.  But was it the Lallybroch I had known I wished to return to, or the Lallybroch that would remain.  One that may be laid to waste with war and famine. But in my heart I knew the decision was already made. “I want to go back.” I said, “I just don’t know what to tell Brian.”

“He’s a smart lad, tell him the truth.”

“I’ll need clothes.” I said sullenly.  Drying my hands on the paisley dish towel next to me.  “Leave that to me, go talk to your son.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your feedback is always loved. I read every comment left and have loved each one. Thanks so much for reading and I have some fun things in store for you guys.


	8. Chapter Eight

I stepped out of the kitchen feeling the magnitude of the task before me. We’d need to leave soon. It was early October and soon it would be too cold to travel at all. I would need to talk to Frank before I left, as unpleasant as a task that would be. But first I needed to tell Brian.  How the hell was I going to do that.  It would be best to do it away from here.  I didn’t know how he would react,  or if he’d really understand.  I looked out the window to see Brian playing in the backyard.  He looked so happy, was I a monster to take that from him.  I went and opened the door and called out for him, it took a couple of tries to actually get him to come over.  I took his hand and brought him into the house.   He was already bundled up for the outdoors I turned and asked him,  “You wanna go for a walk,  there are some lovely parks near by.”  

Brian shrugged and said, “All right.” 

I grabbed my coat and scarf,  wrapping it twice around my neck.  Inverness may not be as cold as Boston,  but it sure as hell wasn’t a tropical island.  Despite the chill it was a very clear day.  A few cirrus clouds wisped around near the horizon,  but the air had the crisp dry smelled that promised at least one more day free of rain.  I had asked Mrs. Graham if there were any paths nearby that would be pleasant to walk at.  She had told me of the small woods that led down to a large pond that would be pleasant this time of year.  It was lovely and Brian also seemed to enjoy it.  He hand found a stick that he’d taken to and was dashing all about pretending it was a sword.  He was swigging at a bush a few feet ahead of me when I called out to him.

“Brian, I have something to tell you.” He lifted his head and looked at me.  I took a deep breath and continued, “ It doesn’t change anything between us. I am and will always be your mother. But you have another father, he’s one of the reason why we are here.”

Brian furrowed his brows and looked confused,  no wonder.

“See when some people die and they have children,  other people will become their parents, like my Uncle Lamb did with me, that is what Frank did for you. But your real father is still alive.  I want to see him again and I want him to meet you.”

“So I have a Daddy here.” he said slowly.  He looked picturesque standing in front of me.  The trees forming an arch over head and blackberry brambles towering next to him.

“Yes, he thought it wouldn’t be safe for us to stay with him so he had us go.  But it is safe, well safer, now so we are going to look for him.”

I was shocked by the look of anger on Brian’s face and he spit out the word, “Why”

“Because, well he loves you as much as I do”

Brian looked skeptical. No wonder his only experience with a father had been unpleasant.

“You’ll have nothing to worry about. We’ll leave soon. The thing is it will be very different. So I don’t want you to talk about airplanes and things like that, it will make the other children jealous.” I said as an excuse. 

“I don’t want there to be other children I just want it to be you and me!” He screamed.

“Brian, please try to understand.”

“NO.  I don’t want another Dad.   I don’t want any Dad.   I just want a Mama.”

He threw his stick into the brambles and ran away from me down the path.  

“Wait!” I called after him but he wouldn’t listen.  I was walking fast behind him.  He could run and far, but big as he was he was only six years old my steps where far longer than his.  I caught up to him and pulled him towards me.  He was crying.  His face was red and his nose was runny.  I took a handkerchief from my pocket and wiped his face.  He still was struggling a bit to get away from me.  I held him by the shoulders and turned him to face me. 

“It won’t be the same” I promised him, “It will be different.  I promise you that it won’t be like Boston.  You’ll be surrounded by people who love you as much as I do.”

He stopped struggling and I pulled him to me,  “I need to do this Brian.  But I can’t go without you.  I need to know if you can do this.”

He let out a hiccuped “Okay”

I stood up then and took his hand.  We continued walking down the path. 

“Will it really be okay?” He asked.

“Yes.” I said,  hoping the doubt that flooded through me didn’t show.

“He’s a very good man, and he loves you very much.”  That I knew for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the shorter update. I felt this chapter needed to stand on its own and I couldn't stretch it to 1,000 words. As always thanks for reading and I hope you like it.


	9. Chapter Nine

I was sitting across from Mrs. Graham industrially feeding lengths of woolen fabric into her sewing machine. 

“You really don’t have to do that.”  I said.  I knew how much time and labor it took to make one of those dresses, and I doubted that the machine made it that much easier.

“Nonsense,  ye have enough on yer plate as is if I can eaze the burden of but one task I’ll do it.”

I went back to my list.  I need to sort things out,  some things were more important than others.

 

“Hello” Frank’s voice came over the telephone.

“Hello Frank. It’s Claire. I’m in Scotland.”

“Christ, you actually think you can go back and find him don’t you?”

“Yes. It will be better for all of us. I’ll save us the processes of a divorce.”

“You do know how sorry I am, I tried to find you but I had no idea where you went. You don’t have to do this, please, I know it was hard and I know I was a sorry excuse for a father, just give me a second chance.”

I felt tears well up in my eyes and I had to pause a moment to stop my voice from breaking, “I’m sorry Frank, I can’t. I did love you once, but I have a child to think about. I’m the only one here in this time who thinks about Brian. But if I go he’ll have a family. More people to care and watch after him. I’m doing this for him.”

“If you must, go. But please do one thing for me. Keep my ring. I know you may think it’s silly but please keep it. That way, at least is some small way I can believe that you thought our time together at least worth something.”

“I will Frank.”

I hung up the phone then. Oddly aware that that would be the last time I ever would hear his voice, and the last time I’d ever make a phone call. I had been feeling it in waves recently. There were moments where you could feel your life slip away from you. Brief action you knew you’d never do again. I was savoring the feeling of turning on a light switch or the  instant hot water. Stocking up for a lifetime without. I felt Brain would adapt to the time best of all, he was always a wild thing. Something of nature. I would always find him up a tree or lying somewhere staring at the sky. A small smile flickering on his face whenever a plane went by. What I worried about him would be his reaction to Lallybroch and its people. His reaction at the news of Jamie hand been disconcerting. I hadn’t told him about the family he would soon be joining, worried of the shock it might give him.  He would go from having now family, to a hoard of cousins,  aunts, and uncles.  How would they react to him?

It was late morning when Mrs. Graham turned to me and said, “I’m thinking that it should be today.”

“What?” I said dumbly.

“To go back. It would be best to leave when Roger and the Reverend aren’t about, and that’s now. You’re going far enough away from Samhain as is you wouldna want to risk it. Now I’ve finished a dress for ye. There are things for your wee lad too.”

I was stunned, speechless. The moment was finally here. My mind finally got worked and I managed to say, “Thank you.”

“Dinna mention it. Let’s go get ye changed.”

Changed was right. The process of putting on the shift, corset, and myriad of other underthings felt as though I was becoming another person. A transformation completed when I put on the overskirt and bodice. The dress was made of strong sturdy material, and very well made.  Doubtless it would last me the journey.  I had only seen her work on it for brief moments,  she must have wasted most of her nights on it.  I had bought some small pieces gold jewelry I would hopefully be able to sell. Those were sewn into a small bag which was in turn button into one of the deep pockets. I had a small bag with me where I would carry such thing as food, extra clothes, and a packet of photographs. When Brian was brought in he looked me up in down with a looked of marked confusion.

“Why are you wearing that.” He asked critically .

“We are going to meet your father and people dress a little differently.”

“What am I gonna wear then?”

I point to the small pair of britches, shirt and small coat on the bed. Happy that Brian had said nothing harsh about going to meet his father. I searched the house one last time for any last thing I may need.   My hand brushing along lamps and armchair,  staring absorbing everything I could of the life I had.  I would miss it,  the reliability and safety were a blessing. 

_ Your prolonging this Beauchamp _ , I thought. Now that I was leaving I was unbearably nervous. My heart beat uncomfortably under the tight lacing of the corset and my palms were slick with sweat.  I grabbed my bag and pulled Brian out the door with me.

We were sitting in the back of the car when my thought turned even more sour. It was the first time the notion that what if Jamie had changed ever came up. A battle could do that to a man, especially one as horrific as Culloden. There was no turning back now though. I’d have to face whatever came my way and be damned for it. When the car finally made its labored climb up Craigh Na Dun I felt sick to my stomach, panicked images of the last time I was here filled my head, I gripped Brian close to me. When the car finally stopped we made our way out of the car. I stopped then and gather Mrs. Graham into a hug saying, “I can’t tell you how much it means to have someone believe and support me. I can never forget what you did for me.”

She hastily wiped her eyes and said, “Just live a good life dear, That is all I ask.”

She waved to us as Brian and I made our way up the hill. Brian put his hands to his ears saying, “Those stones are yelling.”

“I know baby. I’m going to need you to hold my hand okay? Don’t let go.”

I gripped tight to his hand and walked into the stone clearing. The screaming from the stones was all consuming.

“If anything happens to me, just remember your name is Fraser, and you have family at Lallybroch.”

I settled the pack on my shoulder and reached out with my spare hand.

I called out to Brian, “Hold on” and I touched the stone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YAY, it’s leading up to what you’ve all been waiting for. Sorry if this chapter may have mistakes or some errors, I’ve had a beyond hellish week and this was all I could produce. Thanks for reading


	10. Chapter Ten

_Thank God it wasn’t raining_ , I thought as we made our way down the hill.  We had been lucky on our journey.  It was Scotland so of course it did rain,  but for us, not heavily,  and we never got snow. I kept us moving away from the stones as fast as possible,  never stopping for too long,  never allowing time for fear or panic, to creep in. Time passed uneventfully beyond the fact that we were now in the 1700s. Brian had taken it fairly well, with only a mild look of shock and bewilderment when we got to Inverness so I could buy a horse. He stayed quiet and clung to my side.  There were moments,  brief windows of time where we had to eat or sleep I would tell him bits and pieces of where we were and the life that we would have.  That was how we passed the journey,  and for the most part Brian seem happy. He was plainly glad to be away from Boston and out in nature.  I was starting find it a dragged,  and the mere promise of a warm bed to sleep in was keeping me going.   I was still unbearably nervous,  I had now idea what may await when I arrived a Lallybroch,  what Culloden had done to it.

We were cresting a hill when I first saw it again,  lying nestled and picturesque. The outbuildings were different,  there were sheds that hadn’t been there before. The main house was exactly the same, almost frighteningly so,  as if no time at all had gone by since I left.   I took a deep breath and settled Brian closer to me on the horse, pointing down the valley saying, “That’s Lallybroch, that were we are going to live.” _Hopefully_. I had no idea what life would be like there now and how they would take on the burden of two extra mouths to feed.

The horse was having some trouble getting down the steep incline. I  had to get off to help lead her down the hill.  Brian stayed on, his hands gripping tight to the reins. He looked as nervous as I did, I thought. I reached up and squeezed his foot, smiling as reassuringly as I could. The descent down the hill felt like it took years, my heart was pounding like a kettle drum and I was dizzy. Sweat  dripped uncomfortably off my brow and neck. We were just yards from the gates of Lallybroch and a swell of memories flooded my brain, each moment I had past through these gates whirled around me. I paused and wiped my face, unconscious tears running hot and sticky down my dust covered face.  I paused, and went through the gate. 

 It was mid morning, but the yard was empty, except for one young man sitting his face turn up to the sun. He was very handsome, with dark lashes and a mop of black curls. I blot struck me through my heart and I called out, “My God! Fergus is that you.”

He got up in a moment and he too looked liked he had been struck through the heart, he ran up and gathered me into a bone crushing. He held me to him amid a flurry of, “Milady, God has restored you,” and “I never dreamt,” and other statements praising God and his many miracles. His accent was still heavily French and he had an air of aristocracy about him, that made me beam at him despite myself. My moment of head clogging joy was soon broken by a short, “Mama.” Fergus looked in the direction of the noise and his eyes went as round as saucers. Brian who was standing by the horse partially hidden from view, but no amount of concealment could hide that red hair.

I looked over at Fergus who was still staring at Brian with an expression of gape mouthed awe. I placed Brian in front of me and said, “This is Brian, my son.”

Fergus looked at Brian for a long while,  taking in the copper hair,  blue eyes,  and high cheekbones,  so much like Jamie’s.  Though Brian’s face was still spattered with freckles of youth.  Fergus let out a small laugh and said, “Well Milady he looks nothing like you.  That is good,  no one can say Milord is not his father.”  I too laughed at that,  though images of the odd looks that accompanied us as we lived in Boston,  everyone knowing,  but never saying,  that Brian could never possibly be Frank’s.   Fergus crouched down and looked over Brian once more critically,  Brian who was most definitely unamused by this looking over stuck out his chin and straightened his shoulders,  giving Fergus the best look of self righteous arrogance an almost six year old could muster.  Fergus laughed again,  bowing his head to Brian,  “He is most definitely Milords son,  though” He added practically,  “he does have your ears”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Authors note: Yay! here you go kiddos. I have decided to abandon my 1000 work update because it doesn’t work for everything and sometimes less is more. I trust you all will like this. Thank you all for reading and have a happy holiday.


	11. Chapter Eleven

At that moment the voice of one Janet Murray floated out the door calling for Fergus, who was still so dumbstruck to answer anything but a weak, “I am here, madame.”

 Then out the door came a very heavily pregnant Jenny. Her eyes lit on me.

“Hello Jenny.” I said

“Christ” was all she could say.  She looked almost exactly the same,  at the first glance.  Pregnancy added to that fact,  most of the time I had know Jenny  she was in some stage of pregnancy.  She did however,  much to my shock,  have one or two strands of grey hair _and she was younger than I was_.  I could have gone staring at her for hours,  looking at all the small changes the year had brought on to her.   But there were more important thing at hand.

I spoke to Brian, “This is your Aunt Janet.”

“Auntie Jenny,”  she corrected me before going on to say, “Your are the spit of him aren’t ye. What is your name then laddie.”

“Brian.” He said,  viewed Jenny cautiously,  not wanting to feel like an oddity on display.

Jenny let out a sound that could have been a laugh or a sob, then she looked me in the eye and said,

“Good God Claire, where the hell have you been!” She had a look on her face that shocked me.  I had never seen Jenny really mad at me,   _but I’d seen it now._

“I was in the Colonies.” I paused then,  it would be best for everyone involved not to tell anyone the truth, “I thought Jamie was dead. I couldn’t look back and live.”

“So you’ve come back now”

“Yes” I said my eyes downcast.

She gestured for us to come inside. The parlor look almost exactly the same and I fell gratefully into one of the chairs. I looked over at Jenny.  In this light she looked much older, her face was slightly gaunt, and her eyes held hardship that had not been there 6 years ago.   _What had I missed_

“Where is everyone? How are you’re children?” I asked, the house was uncharacteristically quiet, in the state I was in it did more than unsettle me.  I slight panic washed over me at the thought that something might have happened to the children.

“They’re are all out on the estate, the twins, thats Janet and Michael, are up in the nursery.”

It was odd that she didn’t mention Ian or Jamie, a surge of terror ran through me. Jenny must of seen it and said, “Ian has been arrested, and taken to settle the matter of who Lallybroch belongs to.”  

While I was more than glad to know that Ian wasn’t dead,  it was not the information I was after.

“And Jamie?” I urged.

“Jamie lives in a cave. We won’t send for him until nightfall Claire, It is to dangerous.  I’m not risking his neck.”

“I’d rather have him living as much as you”

It will late morning,  hours to go till nightfall,  even this time of year.  I wouldn’t get answers from him for hours.  I’d have to get them from Jenny

“How is he?” I asked tentatively

“He might as well have died the day you left.”  Not willing to talk about it any more she asked, “Tell me about Brian then?”

Brian was sitting quietly next to me, taking in the room. I nudge him slightly, “Would you like to tell your Auntie how old you are.”

“I’m almost six. Are you really my Auntie. I didn’t think I had an Auntie.” he rattle off.

“Yes I am yer Aunt. Yer Da’s sister.” she pointed to the door, “That’s Fergus, he’s verra dear to all of us.”

“Oh.” Brian said. “Do I have cousins then.”

Jenny laughed at that saying, “Yes you’ll have a hoard of cousins.”

That seemed to please Brian and he said, “So I have an Auntie, cousins and a Da here. Why’d you leave then Mama.”

“That’s a verra good question Brian.” Jenny said,  not turning to look at me.  

“I know.” Brian said,  grinning slightly.

“Yer just like yer Da at that age.” Jenny chuckled

Brian looked disappointed, causing Jenny to raise her brows.

“Brian hasn’t really had a father. He doesn’t know what they’re like.”

Jenny with the skill of a train mother turned to Brian and said, “Well yer Da is exactly like ye. You’ll get along fine.”  She was obviously very fond of her nephew.  Her feelings about me on the other hand,  were seriously impaired.  Could I even blame her?

That was how went spent the next hour. Her asking Brian question after question. A small smile always lighting her face, like he was the best news she had received in years.  Brian himself began warming up to his new aunt, scooting closer and closer to her until he was sitting right in front of here.   The was a sound of foot steps and shouting, suddenly three children scrabbled into the room. They stopped when they saw me. There was a young boy about 11, and two girls who were about 7 and 8.

The boy spoke, brushing dark brown curls from his eyes, “Auntie Claire?”  he sounded astonished,  he blinked a few times trying to make sure he was actually seeing me

That must be Young Jamie! Then the two girls must be Maggie and Kitty.

The smaller one, Kitty, looked me up and down critically, turned to her brother and said, “She doesna look like a Fairy.  I heard one of the maids say she was an auld one.”

Brian got to his feet defensively and said, “My Mama isn’t a fairy, and she isn’t old either.”

“Who are ye?” Maggie said.

“My name is Brian Alexander William Beauchamp.” he looked up at me hesitantly and then quietly added, “Fraser” he was unsure of the word and it tripped slightly on the way out.  The girls were older than he was but Brian was nearly as tall.  They were all nose to nose,  it they were cats you could have seen the hair on their backs raised and claws poised to fight.  They all looked like the were about to killing each other until Jenny and I stepped in.

“Yes _mo cridhe_ that is your Auntie Claire. And Brian is yer Uncle Jamie’s son.”

“Uncle Jamie doesna have a son Mam.” Maggie said, trying to correct her mother’s obvious lapse of her senses.

“He does” I said, “Your cousin has just been living with me. I wonderfully to see you all. You’ve all grown so much.”

The girls became shy after I addressed them but Young Jamie seemed pleased saying, “Good. We need more boys. I just have sisters except for Michael, but he’s just a wean.”

Their brother’s approval of their new cousin drew the girls out of their shell and they circled around Brian like a white blood cell around a germ. Jenny glanced up at the window.

“I’ll tell Mary to get some food on the table, and Fergus when it gets dark go get my brother.” Jenny said.

I followed Jenny to the kitchen, quietly asking, “Please tell me more about Jamie.”

Jenny looked at my darkly, “He was on death's door when he came back for Culloden, part of it was the battle, most of it was the loss of ye.” She took a breath and said, “I didna ken what seeing you again will do to him, and I haven’t the faintest notion what the knowledge of his son will do to he either.”

“Jenny, I am sorry” that word feel all to short, “I thought he was dead.”

“Aye I suppose you did, but ye must have known we weren’t”

“I wasn’t myself for a very long time” I said in way of an explanation.

Jenny made a scottish noise waving what I said off, “He killed a deer the other day, we’ll have some of that with dinner. Ye were right about the potatoes.”

Brian was thrust into in group of cousins with ease and they left to go play till supper was ready.   Supper was a quiet subdued affair.  The table while not empty was much more scarce than the last time I had been here.  

  Jenny told me to put whatever things I had into where I used to sleep.  To Jenny it seemed,  I had never truly lived here,  and if I did she’d forgotten it.  I could hardly blame her,  to her I was had abandoned her beloved brother when he needed me the most.  Had given birth to his child and had not told anyone.  To her I had forfeited any claim I had to this place or it’s people.   The room should have been exactly how I remembered it, like most of Lallybroch,  but it wasn’t.  It was clean and neat. The smell of old wood and hearth fire filling every corner.  But I could feel the emptiness the absence.   No one had been in here for a long time.  Had Jenny thinking me dead left it was as tomb for me.  I sat down on the bed, tracing the pattern of the quilt over and over again.  I knew I had loved Jenny.  She was the closest thing I had ever had to a sister,  I knew she had felt the same way.  She had no idea,  no grasp of the circumstances of my departure,  all she could possibly know to feel was betrayal.  I stared at the rays of sun slowly weakening till the faded into nonexistence,  alone with my musings. With a shock I realized, it was almost dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What! A longish update it must be Christmas! I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday. Your comments are always welcomed Thanks for reading. Best wishes in the new year!


	12. Chapter Twelve

I walked down the steps trying to gather my nerves. I heard Jenny at the bottom trying to gather the children together. She looked up at me and said, “I think it would be best if they were in their rooms right now. Brian can use Young Jamie’s.”

I tried to say something in reply but found my throat to dry to say anything.  I had never been so nervous.  I could feel my heart beating like a rabbit,  and my blood running frantically through my veins.

“I send Fergus up to get him. I will be staying upstair aswell” she said over her shoulder as she herded the children up the stairs, not even talking to them,  the tidal force that she was guiding everything into place.

I sat down on the sofa, found it to to feel as though it was made of nails and wood shavings,  so I got up and started pacing the room. I had no idea how long it would take for Jamie to get here,  or where he really was for that matter.  I had no idea if he came to the house often,  if he was aware of the comings and goings,  or if he lived isolated,  I hoped it wasn’t that. I must have worn a path in the carpet with my pacing,  but didn’t look down to check.  I wish I cared for sewing or knew how to knit.  I need something to keep be busy besides my thoughts and fears. Each creak and groan of the house making me jump and look toward the door. It must have been close to an hour, or at least I thought so, before I heard his voice.

The door opened and he called, “Jenny? What’s the matter. Fergus said I must come to the house at once.”

_ Damn Fergus,  _ I thought,  _ he didn’t tell him I was here _ .  Then Jamie rounded the corner. He was removing a hat from his head, blocking his face for a moment. I spoke then not able to take my eyes away from him, “Hello, Jamie.  Nothing’s wrong,  at least I hope so.”

He dropped his arm at once and stared at me, the light from the fire playing on all the hollows of his face. He was awfully thin, with ratty clothes and a short tangle of a beard.

“Claire?” He said disbelievingly. He hadn’t blink since he saw me, afraid that I would disappear.  I only knew this because I was gripped by the same fear and stepped closer to him. I had just lightly touched his hand when he suddenly collapsed.  Knees collapsing,  he fell onto his side.  I didn’t worry about his head,  he had the thickest skull I had ever seen. I got down onto the floor and put his head in my lap. His eyes were already starting to flutter open. I brushed the hair out of his face and smiled saying, “No wonder you fainted, your skin a bones.” I felt a tear roll down my cheek and he brushed it away with his finger, suddenly lurching up and pulling me into his chest. No matter how thin he was he still was a hell of a lot bigger than I was, warmer, and more immediate than he had been in a very long time. I clung to him with abandon giving up all pretences or strength or humor, and sobbed into his chest. He was crying to. I could feel his tears soaking into my hair and say, “Yer real” over and over again. I pulled away at one point to look up into his face and said, “And you’re alive”

He smiled a me, a little crooked, his hand still cupping my cheek “I tried my damnedest not to be.”

“I’m glad you failed.” It was a stupid thing to say, but the only thing that made sense in the moment.

“For the first time,  I glad to”  He always had the trick of hiding his emotions,  but I saw something heartbreaking flashing in his eyes for a moment.

He ran a hand through my hair and said, “May- may I kiss you”

I leaned forward and placed my mouth over his. We both were gentle, neither one of us letting the pain and longing of our time apart take control. Hopefully there would be time for that later. Now we just took whatever comfort the other would provide. We sat there locked in each other's arms seeking warmth and safety. He pulled away from me, there was no heartbreak in his eyes now, “Why are ye here?”

“Why I am here?” I repeated incredulously.

“Aye” He got up and moved away from, not wanting to touch me out of fear for my answer. His eyes held onto mine though, in a blue unblinking gaze.

“I’m here” I said slowly, spacing out my words for absolute clarity, “because you are here. Jamie when I found out you weren’t dead I-” I broke off during my face slightly to wipe the tears from my eyes.   I stood up,  but didn’t go to him.

“I’m sorry. It just it was the worst thing I ever did, leaving you. Now for me to show up out of nowhere, having no idea what has happened in the last six years or if you even want me here.”

“Christ Claire. Not want ye.” he said. The tears were running down my face in earnest and he came over and gathered me into his arm burying my face in my chest.

“I could never not want ye. It’s just that ye here. Knowing everything that has and will happened here. Ye still came. I just thought something truly terrible must have happened to make ye face it. So I must ask ye now. What became of our child.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> LOOK WHO'S HERE. You should all know by now that I can't resist a cliff hanger. I'm just pure evil. Hope you all liked the reunion. I know I liked writing it.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

I took him by the hands and sat the both of us down on the sofa.

“No, no nothing terrible happened. I- we- came back because I wanted to have a family, because Jamie,” I couldn’t help the face splitting smile that spread across my face,  “you have a son.”

“A son” he breathed out, “and ye brought him here! Why the devil would ye risk that!”

“You’re not good enough reason!” I said.

“No, I didna think I am.” He said with absolute sincerity. I wanted to hit him with something, but there was nothing nearby, and Jamie was holding tight to my hands. Jamie had gone quite pale but looked at my hope shining in his eyes, “So my son, he’s here.” He smiled shyly, “What did ye name him, Claire?”

The look on Jamie’s face brought the ever present tears back up as I said, “What you asked me to.  His name is Brian. Brian Alexander William Beauchamp Fraser.”

“Tell me about him.” He asked fervently.

“I could go and get him.” I made to rise but he grabbed my arms tighter and said, “No don’t I’m think that the wee lad wouldna want to be woken up.”

Bit too late to be a nervous expectant father I thought but I’d humor him for the moment. They have to meet soon.

“He looks exactly like you. He’s just as stubborn. His teachers all said he was very intelligent, though a bit full of himself at times.  Everyone here has already found that out.”  Jamie gave a mixture of a laugh and a sob at that.

“When his birthday, I must be coming up. He’ll be six won’t he.”  I was a bit taken aback by that.  But of course he would know.  He had known I was pregnant before I did

“Yes he will. His birthday is November 23.”

“Was it hard, the birth”

“Yes. I thought I was going to die. I almost did. You were right. Damn you” I said smiling at him

He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could the word “Mama” floated from the stair case. Jamie stiffen and stared over my shoulder, whatever he saw, it must have been beautiful. I turned around and saw Brian’s head peaking around the corner. I got up and went over to him.

“Darling what are you doing out of bed.” I chided gently.

“I wasn’t tired. Mama who’s that”

“I’m yer Da” Jamie said behind me, “I’m very glad to meet you.” he sounded choked.

Brian looked him down, as critically as an almost six year old could muster. “Oh” then he clung to my skirt and said, “This is my Mama.”

Jamie laughed. “Aye I know yer mother verra well. Ye may be as fond of her as I am.”

Brian, slid down my skirt and plopped down onto the floor next to me. Looked at Jamie from across the room and said, “Hi.”

Jamie walked over and sat down in front of Brian. “Hello.”

“You’ve got red hair like me.  My teacher has red hair,   but Henry said it was fake.”

Jamie chuckled slightly then asked, “Ye go to school then.”

“Ya I can read and count,” Brian looked up at me,  wanting me to finish his list of accomplishments,  “And write your name” I finished.

“That’s verra impressive” Jamie said,  “Itsa verra long name.”

They sat like that for what could have been hours.  I was so mind numbingly happy I could tell time at all.  

Jamie was so absorbed in the creature right in front of him. Brian talking and watching Jamie with a sort of cautious optimism. It was odd to watch. I sat away from them, looking on with rapt attention. The identical heads bent near each other, talking of everything. The small twitches of the hand, the smile, the laugh all nearly identical. The smaller head started to bob now. Eyes blinking trying to stay awake, until he gave up the fight. I looked over at Jamie, “You’re going to have to carry him. I don’t want to break my neck climbing those stairs with him.”

“Are ye sure” Jamie asked.

“Yes I’m sure.  You are his father.

Jamie  leaned down lifting Brian up. Brian woke slightly and stared at Jamie for a moment and odd look on his face, then went back to sleep resting his head on his shoulder. Jamie closed his eyes then, just for a moment, he large hand gentle cupping the back of Brian’s head.

“Sweet lad” I heard him whisper. We walked up the stairs together. The small creaks and groans of the house accompanying us as we walked up the stair and down the hall to Young Jamie’s room. There was an empty bed in the corner where we placed Brian. Jamie laid him down, paused for a moment then lightly kissed Brian on the head. We reached the door when we heard Brian mumble sleepily “Night Da”.

I closed the door gently behind me. I turned to look at Jamie who was standing in the hall. Tears running down his face. I want over to him and wrapped my arms around him, running my hands up and down his back feeling the grooves of his spine and the notches of the flogging scars under his shirt. He really was awfully thin.  But that didn’t matter,  not right now.  Nothing seemed to matter beyond the fact that he had met his son.  All was well. I leaned and kissed him softly. Tasting the salt from his tears. “It’s all right” I whispered, “I’m here now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay it's the moment you have all been waiting for.... or at least I hope you were waiting for. Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter Fourteen

Rain droplets pattered on the window when we went in the bedroom. We sat far away from each other.  Both quite aware of what would happen next, neither of us quite knowing how to start.  

“Have ye come back to be my wife again.” He asked, paying too much attention to the boots he was removing.   He was extraordinarily careful not to meet my gaze.

“I have.”

“But why risk it? I canna tell you what it was like to see ye and Brian.” He smiled even when he just said his name, “I want to fall down on my knees and thank God that the both of ye survived. But why come back knowing all that is to come.”

“Jamie do you want me to go.” I said quietly. From that declaration I knew he wouldn’t send me away because of his feelings.  But he would send me away because of duty and honor,  he had after all done it before.

“No” He said quickly, “No I dinna want ye to go. I just want to know if ye came because ye thought ye must.”

“I came because I wanted to. I came because I wanted to live my whole life with you, and there was a time I lost that life and it nearly killed me.”  I paused trying to make my voice lighter, “Now I burned all my bridges to get here so I not going anywhere.”

I walked over to where he was sitting at the end of the bed. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. His voice was muffled but I heard him say, “Good”

He shifted slightly against me and whispered, “Will ye come to bed with me”

“Yes” I said as my hands went to the tie of his shirt. Our hands tangled at he reached for my laces.

“You first” I said working his shirt of him. He was pale and thin, but still so much larger than me. He stood up then wrapping his arms around me and pulling me up slightly to kiss me. We were losing our shyness with each other. Both of us desperately trying to find what once was there, the piece of ourselves we had given to the other, lost to us these 6 years. His hand went to the front of my dress, fingers untangling my lacings. I stepped back so I could slip out of my bodice, then slip the skirt off and kicked my shoes off. The moment it was off me Jamie pressed me to him again. One hand roaming from back to waist the other dipping lower. I got my arms loose and groped around till I found the coarse material of his trousers. I fumbled some more till I felt the fly give,  then pushed them down his thigh. My hand felt an odd jagged line. I looked to down to see a long ugly scar down his thigh.

“Jamie” I whispered.

“It doesna matter, not right now”  

He pulled the two of us onto the bed. Hovering over me he untied the tie of my shift, pushing it down to my waist. He smiled to himself then looked at me.

“I haven’t changed to much, I hope.” I said, making an effort to control my breathing.

“You always have been the most beautiful women I have ever seen. That will never change.” He kissed both breasts then. He breath was warm against my skin. I let out a sigh and he laughed. He bit the other breast slightly. Coming up to kissed along my neck and collarbone. I wrapped my legs around his hips bringing his closer. He groaned and shifted against me. I slide out of shift and whispered, “I want you.” I kissed him then, hard. His hand slipped lower and stroked up along one thigh then between my legs, pressing slightly.

“Jamie” was all I could say, “Jamie.”

He slid into me then and I gasped. He was setting out a rhythm, gently. Not willing to let passion take over unless I willed it. I grasped him to me and set my mouth where his neck and shoulder meet, sucking and biting. He growled deep in his throat and lurked forwards. I moan and he bent to kiss me. I bit his lip. He reared up and looked at me. A look on his face that would have made my blood sing if with wasn’t already ablaze already. He reached for my hands and placed them over my head. Bowing me slightly as he continued to press deeper and deeper. A match was struck in me then and I convulsed, I lay back, limp and gasping. Jamie brows furrowed then, he made a noises like a tree being torn apart and lay his forehead against mine.

Rolled off me to lay on his back, the pulled me close to him, my head on his chest.

“My futures yours” I said, kissing the center of his chest.

“And mine yours.” He said taking my hand and kissing my palm.

Neither of us could really sleep. It was still dark and the night sound floated around us. I ran my hand along his scared thigh. I looked up at him and he said, “Culloden” his voice low and mournful.

“A bayonet. I was near death when they brought me back to Lallybroch. I didna see much point in living my life as a cripple. I didna see much point in living period. But I stayed, for a bit, thinking it would be pleasant, or at least nicer, to die at home. But Jenny wouldn’t hear about any of it. When I started to get bad she cut it back open and poured boiling water on it.”

“Oh god” Was all I could say. “It was the worse thing I ever did leaving you.”

His hand ran up my spine, bumping along my vertebrae, “No mo nighean donn, Ye did right. Ye said yerself that the birth was a hard one. Surely ye would have died. Ye did right. It doesna matter now the both of ye are here.”  We lapsed into a comfortable silence until he said “Though I am curious how ye found out I was dead.”

“Frank.” I said simply.

Jamie’s brows raised and he looked down at me, “Frank?”

“Yes. I well I went back to him, like you told me to. It didn’t work.  It couldn’t possibly.  He would always be mad at me for what I had done and I could never forget you.” I scooted away from him then sitting up against the headboard, “I thought Brian would be a fresh start maybe. A chance that we could start over, but we both saw the same thing when we looked at him.” I looked Jamie in the eye then, and smiled a little sadly saying, “you.”

“That hurt us. Maybe we could have made a go if it if he didn’t look so much like you.  I don’t know.  It could never be the way it was, but maybe it could be something I could live with. I came home one day and they had, well Frank had been having an affairs, or an affair, I really didn’t know and I didn’t even care to be honest. But Brian hand found a note from one of them, and while I’m sure he didn’t understand it, I don’t even know what it said. Frank tried to get it from Brian, he grabbed Brian instead, hard. Then left Brian by himself. That was the final straw, we fought and things came out.  Things that we hadn’t ever said,  even since I had been back. He told me about you. Then I came here.”

Jamie was sitting ramrod straight next to me, “I’m sorry” was all he said, no emotion, no inflection, just those two words. Then he turned and looked and me eyes suddenly filled with disdain and anger, “Bastard” he spat out.

The was a silence then,  this one grew slightly awkward. The emotion and revelations on the conversation making us realize the span of those six years really where. Destruction, mayhem, and heartbreak. The both of us grasped at things to say. The space between us seemed to grow larger with each passing moment of silence. At last I found something to do. I slipped out of the bed. Skin purling into gooseflesh upon contact with the air. I padded over to my pack. I could feel Jamie’s eyes staring at my naked backside as I lead down and dug around in the sack. At last I found what I was looking for walked back to the bed, sitting closer to him this time. “I have something to show you” as I placed the packet of photograph on his lap.

“They’re photographs. There like paintings except exactly like the moment. They are of Brian, when he was younger.”

Jamie reached for them at once, carefully taking them out of the package. The first one was of Brian when he was newborn.

Jamie smiled at me, awe dancing across his face, “He was a sweet wee lad”

“Yes he very much was” I said, smiling back.

We sat there, looking at photo after photo. Jamie having the same look of awed delight with each one. I told him the stories behind each one. The moments of his child’s life, ones he would never get to experience but he now he could see, now he could know. I was drained by the time we reached the end. Tears were straining by my eyes, and I was so very tired. Jamie looked as though he felt the same. He laid down and pulled me close to him, my head nestled in the curve of his shoulder. “Ye did well. I canna tell ye how it feels to have ye back and to see ye with my son.”

I closed my eyes then. The warmth and scent of him surrounding me. I fell asleep, feeling more peaceful then I had been in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look the rating has gone up. Hope you guys liked reading. And as always thank you


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Small pinpricks of light appeared as the sun began to rise. Jamie nuzzled sleepily against me, he kissed my shoulder smiling.  He rolled over me, then looked down eyes slightly raised in question. I smiled up at him, then opened my legs. It was calm and quiet. Both of us moving slowly careful to not to make much noise in the waking house. But both of us undeniably leaving an imprint on each other, a token to take with us, knowing that there maybe points when we were separate. When is was over and we were getting dressed I asked him, “Is it safe for you to be here. I know you’re not living at Lallybroch.”

He was sitting down, fastening his stockings, “Doubtless it’s not, Sassenach. I just verra much wanted to be with ye.” A wry smile played across his face.

“Is it safe to go back now, in broad daylight. Or should you stay here today.” I wanted him to stay, desperately, but I had no idea how great the danger was if it was to much I’d left him leave, however begrudgingly. He saw the thoughts play across my face and stood up and brushed my hand gently before saying, “I’ll stay. I’d like to spend time with my family.”

My hand went and brushed his face,  the whiskers unfamiliar, “You need a shave” I said.

“I think there’s still a razor in here” Jamie said,  turning to go dig around the washstand drawers.

“I know you’re not living at Lallybroch,  but where are you staying?”

He he was latering a bit of soap,  not looking at my.  He eased his shoulders slightly, like he was refitting his shirt something he only ever did when anxious.

“There’s a cave on the land around here.  It’s close enough so I can provide if I am able,  but far enough that I willna be any danger to the people here.” He quickly began to shave,  so that I wouldn’t touch him, he knew I wouldn’t go near him a razor so close to his throat.   We stayed in silence.  A dog bark from the yard and I could hear the squeal of children outside as well.  When he was done I went behind him and wrapped my arms around his was laying my face on his back.

“When will you have to go back” I said,  my voice muffled.

“Soon” He said, the vibration of his chest ran though my cheeks,  “The redcoats havena come by recently.  They’re getting scarcer and scarcer.  They’ll still take more than they need whenever they have the chance. I never want any of ye to be in danger because of me.  I think it may be best to leave sometime tonight.”

I went down to stairs to find Brian playing contently with his cousins. When Jamie and I enter the room all the cousins erupted joyously, “Uncle Jamie!” and ran over to him. Brian stayed seated on the ground watching this spectacle with raised brows. This warm scene an oddity to him, until now he had no idea how cousins, uncles, or aunts were supposed to behave or act around one another.   Jamie was standing in the doorway children hanging off his limbs when he looked down at Brian saying, “Has anyone shown ye the house yet.  If ye want I can show ye the rooms and such?”  He slid his nieces and nephew off his arms and looked hopefully down at Brian.  Brian looked up at me and I gave him a little nod.  He got up and walked over to Jamie and left the room.

Jamie stood next to his son in the study at Lallybroch, something he thought he’d never do.  Jamie reached to grabbed the family bible that was tucked away on one of the shelves.  

He went and placed it on the desk and motioned for Brian to come closer, “This is yer family tree.” Jamie said,  feeling odd at the pride that welled up when he said that.  

“Mama always said we didn’t have any family.” Brian said looking up at Jamie like this was all one big fib.  Jamie laughed. “Well ye’ve met yer Auntie Jenny and all yer cousins that live here.  Ye also look a fair bit like me and the rest of them.  That is hard to fake.”  He reached a hand cautiously out and ruffled Brian’s hair.  

“Ye’ve got hair just like me.”

“Has it got my name?” Brian asked prying onto the desk.

“The tree ye mean?  No it hasna got yer name seeing as how ye just got here.  Do ye want it to be on there?”

“Sure” Brian said,  shrugging his shoulders a bit.  

Jamie sat down behind the desk and scrambled around trying to find the pen knife.  He was finishing sharpening one of the quills when he stopped suddenly.  Brian was pushing on his knee trying to get up.

“I wanna see”

When Jamie didn’t react and only stared at him he quickly said, “Please.”.  Jamie pushed the chair back slightly as Brian scrambled on,  shifting,  his elbows digging into Jamie’s rib cage.  Jamie slid the chair in a bit to grab his quill.  He closed his eyes then.  Unbelievably thankful for the precious weight of his son on his knee.  Thanking God his was fortunate enough to have this one moment. Brian voice snapped him out of his benediction.

“Brian’s on here already, look.” His point finger running under a name.

Jamie looked over his son’s shoulder and said, “Well it’s not yer name.  That right there is yer Grandfather’s name  Brian Fraser,  see right there he was married to yer Grannie Ellen, who’s my Mam” Jamie traced the faded ink line from Brian and Ellen down to Jamie’s name.

“See there’s yer Auntie Jenny.  Those names next to ours that’s yer Uncle William and Robert but they both passed, mo bhalaich.  So yer name would go just there.”  He said his finger pinning the spot just below Claire’s and his own.”   He shifted Brian to the other knee.  He mumble a curse under his breath as he went to pick up the quill, conscious of his fingers,  and his lack of ability with his right hand.  He was glad for now the Brian had no gaelic and couldn’t understand exactly what he just said.   Jamie dipped the quill in ink and carefully wrote out Brian Alexander William Beauchamp Fraser.  

“Can ye blow on the ink to dry it for me?”  Brian obliged and leaned down and blew.  Brian stomach rumbled loudly.

“Ye’ve earned yer keep for now.  Come on let’s go get some food in ye.”  He slid Brian off his lap and watched the wee lad scamper to the door.  He stopped though,  right in the doorway.  Brian tilted his head and looked at Jamie for a moment and said, “Mama was right. You are nice.”  Jamie felt once more like he had been struck through the heart with a lightening bolt.

He touched the ink gently to make sure that it was try then closed the book and put it back on the shelf.  He was conscious of the gape in his own stomach and hoped Jenny would have enough for everyone.  This year hadn’t been quite as bad as the last,  but Lallybroch itself was still deeply in debt.  While the estate managed to scrape by with only the occasional meal where the adults refused to eat, letting what food they did have go to the children,  then tenants were in much worse condition,  they’d have to find some way of income, and soon.

Breakfast was simple,  as it had almost always been,  porridge and bannocks.  Jamie smiled as he watched the children stuff their face with single minded abandoned.  He smiled even wider when he saw Claire move and wipe the food smeared all over Brian’s face.  The lad had an embarrassed look on his face which lessened after he saw Jenny do the same to her own bairns.

Jenny left the room then,  taking a small bowl with her to the kitchen.  Jamie thought it was odd,  his sister usually ate with everyone else.  He didn’t ponder it for too long,  he was too busy listening to Brian recount the tour of the house to his mother. 


	16. Chapter Sixteen

“You” Jamie said pointing an accusatory finger at his wife,  “Bit me,  and hard, ye’ve the teeth of a badger.”

“It’s what you get for leaving” Claire said from the bed.  She was still naked and the simple fact of that was making it very hard for Jamie to want to leave. “I willna be long.  We’ve borne worse.  I’ll promise I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

“Hand me my shift” she said.

“No” Jamie said,  smirking at her.

“It is freezing.”

“I like the way ye look covered in gooseflesh.”

She sighed and got out of bed,  feet pressing lightly on the cold floorboards.  She wrapped he arms around him and kissed him softly before saying,  “Take the photographs with you.”

“I will” Jamie said,  “I’ll say goodnight on my way out.” He kissed her again once more before grabbing the small parcel of photographs.  

  Brian’s room was warmed, partially because of the roaring peat fire in the corner and because of the heat all sleeping children seem to produce.  Brian was sleeping peacefully in arms wrapped around his pillow.  His cheeks smushed up and his wee mouth pursed slightly open.   _Will I ever get tired of looking at him_ ,  Jamie thought before crossing over and kneeling down in front of him.  Brian stirred up didn’t seem to wake.  Jamie whispered, “I’ll be back before yer birthday.” He tucked him back into his blankets then pressed a quick kiss to his forehead.  He left the door slightly ajar behind him.  

It was late and Jamie had to leave.  His heart sank and felt heavier than it did in a long time.  He had a life at Lallybroch again,  a real true life, the one he always wanted.  But he had to leave he couldn’t put his wife or family at risk with him being there.  He was leaving when he saw that Jenny was still up,  sitting alone staring into the fire.  Jamie hadn’t had time to talk with her, to have her share in the myriad of feeling the last 24 hours had brought on.  He went over and sat down next to her.

“How can ye have her back Jamie?” She said.

Jamie was shocked,  not quite knowing what to say.  Jenny had loved Claire.

“She’s my wife.”

“Yes she was.  But she left,  and never gave any of us word.   You thought she’d died along with the child.  Never once did she send word about her and Brian.  The lad didna even know he had a family until now. Did any of this,  did anyone here mean anything to her.”

“Jenny.   I told her to leave.  I told her to go and forget.  I meant to die.  I didna want her to suffer.  Claire,  she has something of The Sight.  She knew what was coming and I knew she was with child and I wanted her to have no part in it.”

Jenny laughed without humor, “I always wondered how she knew to plant potatoes.”

They sat there in unwavering silence until Jenny said,  “Lallybroch is Brian’s”

Jamie looked at his sister.  The was no pain,  no anguish in the lines of her face,  she spoke those words as if it were a fact.  Jenny looked back at him saying,  “Ye gave wee Jamie Lallybroch to save it.  Ye didna have a child of yer own at the time you could legally give it to,  but ye do now.  Ye have a son and an heir.  All of this” a hand made a sweeping gesturing encompassing it all, “Belong to him.”

“Jenny,  I canna ask ye to do that.”

“Yer not asking me anything,  brother.  Lallybroch was always going to go to one of your sons,  not mine.  If Brian has ties here then Claire won’t leave.  She may leave a husband,  but no mother would leave her bairn.  If she left again you’d follow her.  She won’t leave now,  none of ye will.  Ian’s in prison because they think he laird of this place.  I didna want my own son to be attacked that way when he comes of age.”

Jamie sat for a moment.  He could in one moment give Brian all that he had lost,  give Brian what had shaped him to be the man he was.  Jamie wasn’t born laird,  he had it thrust upon him when he was just five,  Brian’s age.  By any laws or natural rights this land,  this estates and it’s keeping should belong to Jamie’s son.  Now in one simple motion it could be done.

“Alright.” Jamie said.

“I wasna asking yer permission,  I was telling ye.” Jenny said.

Jamie rose then and left.  Walking into the night.  His sister secure in the knowledge that she had bound him to this land once again,  no matter what her feeling for Claire where, she could never begrudge her nephew or her brother.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

Without Jamie in the house to keep me company and no sick people in need of my care I had absolutely nothing to do.  Jenny had sent me off the the small grove of chestnut tree.  It was early November and chestnuts would be one of the last things to be harvested.  I paused in the kitchen to grab a large basket, it was one of the same baskets I had used when I had lived here before,  it had been patched up in places and sagged oddly to one side but it was the same.   You couldn’t throw anything out here,  you would have to use and repair everything till in disintegrated.

  During my previous time at Lallybroch I couldn’t really remember anyone going out to harvest chestnuts,  and one remembering eating them a couple of times.  Food was scarcer now though,  and anything nearby that was edible would be utilized. Large ashy clouds hung heavy in the sky.  Any golden light of autumn was abating and the winter bleakness was setting in, casting everything an odd bleaked purple.   It got dark early as well,  it was only about two o’clock and hints of night ran through the light.  Dead leaves crisped and crack under my feet as I drudged alone.  The chestnut trees grew a little way up the hill near the small loch.  From my place at the bottom of the the hill I could could see brown and orange heads of the chestnut trees poking out from the rest of the foliage, what leaves they had left wavered in the wind,  the color making it look like smoldering coals.

  I smiled to myself and quoted, “The place is all awave with trees, Limes, myrtles, purple-beaded,”.  While far from limes,  myrtles and whatever purple beadeds were it felt fitting.  The two chestnut trees stood toward the center of the grove.  With the other trees it formed a sort of natural roof,  here and there shafts of light split through, but it had a enclosed safeness to it.  I placed my basket on the ground and  starting  gathering chestnuts.  I was peaceful work and I let my mind wander.   So far,  my return to the past had gone well.  I had found Jamie,  and he was,  as far as I could tell still the man I loved 6 years ago.  And he and Brian did get along,  which helped calm some of my biggest worries.  I felt that maybe,  one day,  I could repair my relationship with Jenny.  I was reaching for a practically high bunch of chestnuts when I felt something grab my skirts.  I let out a shriek and dropped my handful.  I turn around to see Brian grinning up at me.

I pinched the top of his arm,  “Don’t do that.  You scared me to death.”

Brian just went one grinning though he did say a quick,  “Sorry” before looking into my basket.

“Watcha picking”

“Chestnuts” I said,  “How did you know I was up here,  you weren’t at the house when I left.”

“Auntie Jenny told me.  Can I help?”

“Of course.  You can even climb the tree if you want.  Just don’t go to high.”

As an afterthought I said, “Or get sap on your cloths.”

Brian instantly began to scramble up some of the branches,  monkeying his way to patches of chestnuts.  We worked in silence for a little while,  the only noise the sound of the nuts thumping in the basket or the occasional bird song.  

“Do you like it here?” I asked cautiously.

Brian stopped,  he sat straddling one of the tree branches and said,  “Yes.  I like my cousins.  They’re fun to play with.”

“And your Da?” I asked again.

“He’s nice.  He looks funny.”

I laughed at that and said, “Well then you look funny.  Because you look exactly alike.”

Brian furrowed his brows at me,  “My hair’s not long.” in a tone that made it seem that he could look like someone who had such wildly different hair.  

“It will be one day.  It’s how people were it here.”

To my shock Brian made a very good scottish noise in the back of his throat.

“You’re going to sound like him to,  I suspect.”  I said laughing

Brian shrugged and went back to picking.  The light that fell through the tree had changed now and I called for Brian to come down,  it would be getting dark soon and I didn’t want to lose my footing on the way down.  He scrambled down and dropped onto the ground next to me.  We emerged from our shelter of tree to a glorious sunset.  A blanched pink shone just above the mountains,  the clouds sparked with green and scarlet.  What was more astonishing what the birds I saw flying overhead.   There were more of them than I had ever seen in my entire life,  all of them flying in the exact same directions,  then when they reached the peak of one of the mountains turning, the light turning them from black to white.   I let out my breath in a sigh as I looked over it.  I smiled down at Brian who was also staring eyes round as saucers.

“Does it make you feel like they know something we don’t” I asked not really to anyone.  Just feeling that the words needed to be said.  I put my hand on Brian’s back and descended the hill.  Both of us in silence,  watching the sight overhead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know bird symbolism read into it as you will, I just saw some cool birds when I was out on a hike this winter and thought it would be cool to right about. Also where I like looks an awful lot like Scotland sometimes and this was no exception. As always thanks for reading


	18. Chapter Eighteen

I was in the still room checking on the stock of some of the useful herbs.   All in all it seemed in good shape.  The people of Lallybroch seemed to have remembered some of what I had told them and all there was a decent stock of useful herbs to last the winter.  The warm muskiness of the dried plants was comforting,  and I was contented to stay here as long as possible.  Jenny was upstair instructing some of the children in their lessons.  Between the weather and her advanced state of pregnancy, neither of us were leaving the house.  This meant both of us were trapped her and conditions were strained.  I was musing about my new relationship with my sister in law when I heard a small cough come from behind me.  I turned around to see Fergus standing in the door while.  I smile at him and beckoned him to come over.

“Where were you yesterday?” I asked still taking inventory.

“I had some business to attend and I would not want to get in the way of Milord and Brian.”

While I wanted to argue and say that Fergus was a much part of the family as anyone I couldn’t.  It was good for Jamie and Brian to get acquainted with each other.  Fergus would just be another thread in the tangled web of a new family,  that Brian had to sort out all by himself.

“Yes,  you’re right that was wise”

I had instantly felt regret when the words left my lip.  But Fergus didn’t seem to care.

“You’ve grown so much,  since I been gone”

Fergus laughed, “Well that is the way of things.”

I let out a small laugh in return, “No what I meant is.”  I paused and took a breath, “You turned out to be a fine you man.  I missed you terribly,  but I am awfully glad that is seems you didn’t need me.”  Fergus moved to some closer and say something but Maggie appeared in the doorway, looking flustered hair popping out of her braids.

“Mam having the baby.” She blurted out

“What!”

“She started puffing and grabbing at her stomach and then snapped and said to come get ye!”

“Alright,  Fergus go get Mary to watch the children and Maggie go boil some water.”

Fergus caught my hand before I rushed out of the room,  “No one could ever not need you.  We made do,  it was all we could do to keep going.”

I kissed him lightly on the crown of his head, then hurried upstairs to Jenny.

She was sitting on the end of her bed,  the mattress covered in old worn sheets. She looked at me,  she didn’t yell,  she didn’t snap,  she just looked at me eyes frightened and pleading.

I went over to her and grabbed her hands,  “Nothing is going to happen to you.  I promise.”

“I lost one,  before I canna let that happen again.”

“So did I and I had Brian after,  I promise you I’ll keep you and the child safe.”

Again I was hit with how much I had missed.  Jenny had lost a child,  a pang of guilt washed over in in the thought that I could have done something to help.  I couldn’t then,  I could now.

I helped Jenny up for a moment as we walked around the room,  pacing back and forth.  I had help Jenny throught labor twice before,  now I knew what she was feeling.  The pain,  the heartache,  the brain numbing hope that the child would be safe.  I knew this labor would go quickly,  far from her first baby it could be less then two hours before this one would be born.  I grabbed the ewer from the wash stand gave Jenny a small smile before walking out to fill it with water.

 The children were huddled together heads bend slightly whispering to one another,  in the parlor.  I wanted to comfort them tell them everything was going to be alright.  But I didn’t know that.  I had told Jenny I would keep her and the child safe,  but I had no real knowledge if I could.  She was older than her last births and conditions were less then ideal.  Given her age and probable malnutrition,  I would be relying heavily on prayer.   The kitchen was quiet,  Mary sat in the corner,   her knitting lying dormant in her lap,  the whole house smelled of fear.  This house required Jenny,  if anything were to happen to her,  their whole existence would be shattered.

As I ladled steaming water into the ewer I turned to Mary and asked, “Where’s Fergus.”

“He’s gone to tell yer husband that their are red coat about,  that he shouldn’t come down.”

I placed the ewer down and went searching for the bottle of whiskey,  “Damnit.  He shouldn’t have told him.  Fergus should know better,  of course Jamie will come down now.” I snapped.

“I’m sorry m’am” Mary said eyes downcast.

“No don’t worry it’s not your fault.  Just watch the children please.”

I tucked the bottle of whiskey under my arm and grabbed the ewer and went back up the stairs.

I was half conscious of the dust motes that were floating through the room,  Jenny was panting sweat drenching her shift as she was bent over with a contraction.  She grabbed my arm then and said, “Promise me you’ll look after him,  all of them.”

“Yes, I promise, but you’ll be there to look after them yourself.”

She screamed them clutching her stomach.  I looked between her leg and so the faintest hint of a head.

“Almost there,” I coxed, “I can see the head”

We were lucky it was a fast labor.  Jenny was tired but not yet exhausted.  She pushed hard,  veins protruding from her forehead.  Sweat mingled with the send of blood.  I wanted to open a window,  but now at the crucial part I couldn’t leave Jenny’s side.  She lay panting again against her pillow.  The head was almost fully out,  one more strong push and the baby would be born.  I smiled up at Jenny and nodding.  She pushed and there was a sharp cry from the newly born baby.  I cut the umbilical cord and handed the child to Jenny.

“It’s a boy.”I said smiling as I went to grab a cloth the clean him with.

“Hello wee Ian.” Jenny said,  smiling at by,  eyes glossy with tears.

I chuckled slightly, “ A two Jamies and two Ians,  don’t you think we’ll get confused”

“No.  He’s a sweet we lad isn’t he.”     He was a sweet lad.  Round lipped with an odd head sprinkled with brown fuzz.  But strong and healthy,  begin to root around at the front of his mother’s breast The room felt softer.  All hostility,  all pain vanished after the first pure cry of new life.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

I washed off my hands and headed downstairs. The house was hushed, an unaccustomed state for Lallybroch. There were no children running about, no maids hurrying to and fro. Jenny who was usually buzzing about giving orders was safely tucked away in bed with her newborn son. Everyone else was sitting quiet and subdued in the parlor. When I walked in every head snapped towards me eyes pleading for good news. I smiled at them and said, “She’s fine, it’s a boy.”

There were whoops and cheers from everyone in the room. Jamie came over to me smiling like a jack o'lantern and lifted me up in a bear hug. It had been the first time I had seen him since he left the first time. I wrapped my arms around his neck and whispered, “I missed you”

He was still grinning at me, he turned around quickly to see if the children were looking, they were not, and quickly kissed me.

“She wants to see you.” and we walked towards the room.

I paused at the base of the stairs, one of the spots out of earshot of everyone and said, “You shouldn’t have come it’s too dangerous.” I crossed my arms over my chest and gave him the best stare I could. He returned it, doing a far better job than I.

“What if something were to happen. Ye think ye could be left alone with all of this, and explain to the children.”

“If something went wrong you would have been sent for but nothing did. I’d rather have you away and safe, then nearby and in danger.”

“Well I am here and it’s safe. Now let’s go see our nephew.”

Jamie was standing at the foot of the bed holding the baby swaddled in his arms. He looked over and Jenny and asked, “What is his name?” I realized that I hadn’t told anyone downstairs more then the basics before the celebration began.

“Ian” Jenny said. She was smiling, but looked awfully tired, head propped up against the pillow, cheeks gaunt and eyes slightly sunken. Jamie smiled down at the bundle, he looked up and said, “His heads a bit oddly shaped isn’t it?”

Jenny shot him a sharp look and said, “So was your’s, but ye grew out of it and because a sweet little lad.”

We all chuckled slightly. The room was warm and the air filled with the smell of blood and sweat. I wipe my brow with the back of my head and went over to open the window. The breath of fresh air hit me like a wave. I closed my eyes in reverence of the cold crisp scent that washed over me. I opened my eyes and fear ran through me, coming down the road was a group of red coat officers.

“Jamie” I said in a low breathless gasp. The voice of his and Jenny’s floated behind me, unintelligible murmurs to my panicked mind.

“Jamie” I said loud this time.

“What is it Sassenach” He said from behind me.

“Redcoats, they’re coming here.”

I turned around to see all the blood had ran from his face. Jenny was already trying to get out of bed but I pushed her down.

“Jenny you can’t possibly get up, Jamie you need to hide and now” He moved to hand the baby to me but a slam came from downstairs, there was no time. He and Ian were pushed in the armoire. Stomps came up the stair and a soldier bragged in the room.

Without preamble or introduction he spoke, “Where are the men of this house?”

Jenny pushed herself up in bed and said, “Ye’ve taken all our men. The oldest man here is no but 11 years of age.”

“Ma’am are there any weapons in your house.”

I butted in then, “Please my good sister had just had a baby, you can’t trouble her like this?” “You’re English,” He said in utter confusion, followed by the next obvious thought, “I see no child.”

Jenny simply said, “The child is dead.” I turned away, not wanting my face to give anything away, let the soldiers think it I was moved in a moment of grief. A cry of real grief ran out from the halls though as Young Jamie hurled himself into the room.

“Auntie Claire, but you said-”   
I cut Young Jamie off sharply pulling him towards me saying, “These things happen.”

He did not think that that was a suitable answer and turned to the Captain, blood and vengeance in his eyes, a look that befell all Fraser men a some point. 

“You did this you killed him!” He scream, ripping free from my grasp. His face hot and red, tears streaking down it. He charged at the Captain who was backing away frantically. 

He was screaming every dirty rotten thing he had ever heard, flaring his small fist around him as he went. Jamie’s small curly head set for murder, the Captain stepped back shoe slightly slipping as he did so.

“I’ll await my men downstairs.”

I grabbed Young Jamie’s arm to keep him from following. As soon as the footsteps from the stairs stopped. Jamie hurled out the closet and Jenny clutched the baby to her bosom. Ian made happy content slurping noises. Jamie stood there frozen unsure of what to say or do. Young Jamie to stood frozen by me, until he could see that his brother was in fact alive and stumbled over to his mother, vaulting onto the bent, then bending his he over his new brother. I looked out the window to see the redcoats departing away from. I realized then exactly what danger Jamie put himself and other in when he came down to Lallybroch. I was furious. How could he possibly be so idiotic that he would do something as risky as coming her in broad daylight. He didn’t have to be here. He should have known I would take care of Jenny. He had put himself and everyone hear at risk.  
“I’ll go to the priest hole until dark” Jamie said.

Jenny didn’t answer him, she only nodded her head once. I could tell from the lines of her body and the set of her shoulders she felt the same way I did.

Jamie and I walked downstair, both of us still rigid from shock. I moved with more purpose as I heard a familiar whimper. Brian was crying, no wondered, it was one hell of a shock even for me. I hurried over to him and tucked him into my shoulder. His hands dug into my back and his tears wet my shoulder.

I could make out his whimpering eventually, he kept repeating, “I’m scared.” over and over again.

“I know, baby.” was all I could say. Jamie made a small move to come closer but Brian clung tighter to me and began sobbing. I looked up and him and said, “Not right now.”

Brian didn’t want anyone or anything new right now, he was scared out of his wits.

“Claire I-”

“Not now Jamie.” I said through clenched teeth. Brian’s sobbing wasn’t stopping and when Jamie came closer, Brian burrowed deeper in my neck.

“What the hell am I supposed to do!” He said, much louder than he meant.

“Stop” came out of Brian in a pitiful breath.

I looked up at Jamie how looked like he had just been shot and said, “You’re right you don’t know what to do, I need you to leave.”

The look on Jamie’s face went from a man who had just been shot to a man who had just realized the wound was mortal. He stood there for a moment, I said “Leave” one more time very softly before did he move to leave. He paused, just once, right as he reached the door. He looked back at the both of us, brows furrowed, he eased his shoulders as if he shirt didn’t quite fit right and left.


	20. Chapter Twenty

The children were settled,  all of them upstairs to see the new baby.  I wipe my hands on the skirt of my dress and walked outside.  There were clouds signalled rain,   _ no snow _ I corrected as I felt the nip in the air and saw of my breath pooled in white clouds in front of me. I wrapped my cloak tighter around myself.  The air was intoxicating after the hours spent indoors,  but I hurried along.  My shoes sank a bit into the mud as I made my way to the priest hole.    I knock slightly on the cellar cover then went in.   It was dark, but a small lantern was light in the corner,  illuminating Jamie’s profile.  

“Claire.” He said bobbing his head slightly.

“It was a damn idiotic thing you did today Jamie,  you put everyone here at risk.”

“I told ye,  if anything were to happen ye’d-”

I interrupted him,  “Yes you told me.  But nothing did happen Jamie.  I know how to deliver a baby.  I’d delivered two of her children before this one and nothing happened then.  One of the was even breach and everything was fine!”

“Well things did happen when you were gone.  She had lost a child before this one.”

“I know” I said, “She told me.  Do you really think that makes a difference.  I lost a child and I still had Brian.”

He went to speak but I kept on going,  “You have a child now.  You have more to think about then yourself and how you feel.”

“That’s just it”  He said turning to look at me straight on.

“What?” I said.

“Brian.”  I was still more than confused but he went on, “I live in that cave alone and like an animal.  Only feeling as if I were human the brief moments when I could come down to the house,  even if it meant I had to see the state of things.  I could do it then.  Stay alone, because no matter what happened I knew what I felt would stay with me even when I was at Lallybroch.  That feeling of emptiness,  that I had been cut off from the world around me.  The feeling I had every since ye went.  Be now ye and the lad are back,  and I know that feeling would leave.  If can sit by ye or just look at his wee face and feel myself thaw.  Feel the ache and cold leave me and feel as though I am once again a man.   To have that back and leave.  To have yer heart restore and once again feel the blood flow as it should.  Not feel the pain and space between each beat.”

“Even if it puts us in harms way.”  I said,  my voice very small.

“That’s the hell of it.  I would give anything to be with ye and to keep ye safe.  But I can only have one of them.  I canna be here and have ye be safe.   With me being here I might as well be signing your own death warrant. No matter what I do or how I act I damn myself and those I love.”

“Jamie” I said and slid down next to him.  All my angry from early was replaced with tenderness.  “I lived six years with a man who couldn’t understand what it meant to be a parent.  You showed yourself more of a father in two moments then Frank was in six years.   But it isn’t easy.  I’ve been with Brian his whole life and I still don’t know what I’m doing most of the time.” Jamie slid away from my then standing up and glaring down at me. “Ye think I don’t know that!  Do ye think that I have no idea what I’m doing.”

“Well you came down here.”  Any tenderness was gone again and I had a strong urge to hit him with something,  “ You put all of us at risk. You put your own son at risk.  For what,  the possibility that something could go wrong.  Do you not think I didn’t kill me when you left.  That I wish beyond anything that I could wake each morning with you next to be.  But I let you go because I know it is better for all of us,  if we are safe.”

Both of us stood there,  panting from angry.   Both of us had the life we so wanted with each other just out of our grasp.   We could be together,  but in doing so endanger all of us,  and our only child  We both looked at each other eyes full of the pain and longing of the last 6 years.  After our reunion I thought the hard part was over,   we had seen each other,  what was once there was still there.  But now I realized that was the easy part.  We had to build a life now,  try to make what we once had had out of nothing but sticks and mud.  I spent so long apart,  but I had someone who was fully and completely mine,  Jamie was alone in the world.  He had lived his whole life and the laird of his people.  He was raised to be a man to care and tend to his people,  that had been severed from him.  The years apart had given me exactly what he lost.  A person,  who was yours to care and tend for.  A purpose beyond yourself.  I could feel in that moment, what that 6 years was for him,  and what it was to have him back.  I went over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist.

“Should I have not come back.”  I said

“No,   _ mo nighean donn _ ,  never think that.  Ye are here,  that’s all that matters.  Everything else we’ll sort out later.”

I sighed and buried my head under his chin, his voice brushed over my head,  “I promise ye Claire, I’ll only come down when it’s dark.  I have a son to think of now.”  

I tightened my grip around his waist,  “Good.  But for now, It’s a long time till dark.”

His hands then to the fastening of my cloak and let in drop to the ground,  “Is it now?” He kissed me then,  I pulled the both of us down onto my cloak , trying to catch both of us ablaze in the cold unforgiving November. 

When it was over I laying the crock of his shoulder,  I was tracing a pattern over the fabric of his shirt.  He stilled my hand with his and I said, “I love you,  Jamie. But you need to stay away for a while,  for Jenny’s sake”  He hand grasped mine a little tighter, “Don’t worry.  I’ll have Fergus show us the cave.  I’ll take Brian there.”  I touched his jaw gently,  already erupting with stubble, “I’ll bring a razor too.”

I could feel Jamie smile, “Only when it is safe,  and Sassenach.”  I looked up at him, his wide mouth smiling, “I love you too.”


	21. Chapter 21

Jamie stood alone in the priest hole.  As much as the both of them had wanted Claire did not stay till dark, couldn’t stay till dark.  There were things that needed to be tended to.   Perhaps it was best he was alone,  he thought,  the weight of the conversation with Claire still a heavy burden in his mind.  

She could better than anyone understand the despair he felt of the last six years.  Of living a life you no longer wanted,  but carrying it out for others,  the people around you who need you.    But the people of Lallybroch no longer needed Jamie the way the once did.    Brian needed Claire that way aswell, and Brian needed him as well, Jamie realized with a shock .   Jamie had always wanted to be a father.  He had always felt the acute want of it,  to have an offspring,  a promise of immortality,  a safeguard against his own death.  But now when it was here,  he was scared shitless.  He knew he loved Brian,  had loved him before he was born and during all those long years apart.  But Jamie felt helpless.   Claire was a wonderful mother just like he’d always knew she’d be.  Jamie one the other hand felt he had now idea what he was doing.  He had after all already put his son in grave danger.  Jamie wanted to hit himself,  Claire was right,  he had been an idiot.   But he’d do it again.  

  When Jamie had come down to the house to wait for the birth of his nephew he had sat guard over all the bairns.  He had sat in the parlor watching the children play all of them keeping an ear out for when the screaming would stop.   He had watched in awe at the way the sun struck Brian’s hair and pale lashes.  He was a smart lad.  But Claire was right,  very much like him.  But to his surprise he learned that Brian had a mouth on him.  Jamie had to snap at him once.  It gave Jamie an odd feeling.  He’d known Brian only a short while and felt odd parenting him,  but none the less it was undeniably pleasant to be able to parent.   Fergus was the closest thing he had to a son,  before Brian came.  But Fergus had always seemed as though he was an adult,  self reliant,  he never needed anyone to guide him through life.   That’s what scared Jamie the most about all of this.  Everything that happened to Brian from now on would be because of the decision Jamie made.  Jamie slouched against the wall and laughed, “Dear God,  the poor wee lad.”

I was standing next to Jenny,  staring down at young Ian’s face,  now peacefully asleep.  It was late at night and he had just spent the better part of it wailing.  Everyone else in the house had slept through it,  Jenny and I had not been so lucky.   I don’t know whether it was motherly empathy or desire to talk to Jenny again that made me sit up with her.  But I felt she was grateful for the company.  The last week had shown that if she still had any feelings of hostility towards me,  it wasn’t worth airing.  I squeezed her shoulder lightly and went and slumped over in the chair across the room.  

“Lord,  I am grateful I don’t have nights like these with Brian any more.” I said,  closing my eyes in reverence of the peace and quiet.

“Was he a colicy bairn then?” she asked,  leaning back in the chair Ian splayed across her chest.

“I really don’t know.  I didn’t know how little boys acted.  The only children I knew as infants at that point were your two girls.”

Jenny laughed a bit,  “They’re all the same when small.  I think they might be the easiest as children.”

“I don’t think it’s ever easy” I said.  That caused both of us to fall into fits of quiet giggles.  Both of us careful not to wake the baby.

Jenny sobered a bit and looked up at me, “He’s my last one.”

“Really?”  I said.  I didn’t question her on her capability of it.  I too had known the feeling.

“I’ve felt that.  When I had Brian.  Though I supposed it was different with me.”

“You’ll not have more then,  now that your back?”

I shifted in my chair slightly,  and was quiet for a moment before I responded,  “Yes,  I think so.  I’m older than you are and you just had your last.  It’s harder for me as well.  I couldn’t risk it.”

“Well no one here would want to lose ye.”

That small statement made me absurdly pleased,   I felt tears close to the surface and blinked them away,  “Thank you” I whispered.

Jenny smiled and we were quiet for a while.

“Claire,  there is something I need to tell you.”

There was an odd note in her voice that made me look up at once.  Her eyes were round and her face partially light by the light of the half moon coming in towards the window.

“I already told Jamie about this.  Brian should have Lallybroch.”

That shocked Jenny and I stared at her.  

“Jenny I could possibly ask you to do that.”

“You’re not.  Lallybroch is rightfully Brian’s.  It was only given to young Jamie as a precaution.  I think it would be wise to have a Brian Fraser as Laird again.”

I sat there gaped mouth,  looking at her.

“Young Jamie doesna really ken this place was to be his.  It would be no wrong of him.”

“What did Jamie say about this?”

“More of what you said.  He protested it.  He’s a fool,  a lot of the time.”

Tension were still high between the Fraser siblings but she smiled a bit while saying that.  Maybe emotions were on the mend.  

“Alright.   If Brian is to be laird then he need to have more schooling.”

“Have you heard any word from Ian.”  I asked.  I loved Ian dearly and knew all too well the feeling of a missing spouse.  I knew almost exactly how Jenny was feeling.

“No”  Jenny whispered.

“Don’t worry.  He’ll be back.”

Jenny didn’t say anything,  she just stared down at the bundle in her arms.  A child that was already starting to look like her absent husband.  I felt Jenny need to be alone then and rose and made my way back to my room.  The moon was too bright and I found myself rolling around in bed unable to sleep.  It was a long time before I heard Jenny come up the stairs and retire into her own room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no I'm back. Hope y'all like it


	22. Chapter 22

Chapter 23

“Slow down” I called after Brian as we made our way up the hill.   There had been storms all week and we hadn’t seen Jamie in over a month.   Our first visit to the cave, while it proved endlessly interesting to Brian, made me feel as though I had been stabbed with ice.  It was cold,  dark,  musty,  and most of all unbearably isolated.  I had put my arms around Jamie,  unable to say something.  Jamie knew what my thoughts all too well.  He didn’t speak either,  he just stood with an arm draped around my shoulder and we watched Brian make patterns in the mud.   

  I was brought back to the present when my foot slid on a piece of ice and I stuck my arms out for balance,  and I tripped.  I was wiping snow and mud off my skirt when I looked up for Brian.  I huffed a little bit,  slightly jealous of his ease at climbing up hills.  _ Try doing it in layers of skirts _ I thought. 

 I heard giggling long before I before I had reached the mouth of the cave.  Brian was upside down over Jamie’s shoulder,  his face red and eyes shut helplessly giggling.

“How ye like be six then my wee man.”  Jamie asked flipping him upright.

“It’s all right, it like being five.”  Brian said.

Jamie laughed then and said,  “You’ll think that even more when ye get older.  It all sort of blends together.”

I was panting full when I reached the clearing, “Happy Christmas” I said as I reached the two of them,  pausing to kiss Jamie.     
“It is nearly Christmas now isn’t it.” Jamie said.  There was a monotone chant of “Da, Da, Da” coming from below us and Brian was hanging onto Jamie’s arm.  Jamie looked down and raised his brow at him.

“Can you tell me what bird I saw?”  Brian asked.

While they descended into a conversation about the ornithological specimens of the Scottish Highlands. 

  I went and placed the bag I was carrying near the entrance of the cave.  It contained some books from the library at Lallybroch,  things to cut the boredom of life in the cave.    Maybe it had been because I’d seen it before or seen how Jamie had been able to handle it.  But it hurt a little less seeing it this time,  it wasn’t the space,  that hurt.  The shadows and stones,  while bitterly cold and sterile were just things.  What pain there was,  was in the isolation,  the loneliness of the space.  While Brian and I were safe and snug at Lallybroch,  he sat here only imagining how we might be fairing.  I know he didn’t care as long as we were safe,  because I felt the same for him.  I had no idea about his safety most of the time,  most days he was as unreachable to me as if I was back in the 20th century.  But right now,  he was here with me,  close and immediate.  I walked over to where Brian and Jamie were sitting staring out over the valley,  talking about all the animals of this place,  their place.  I sat down next to them and Jamie looked over and smiled at me,  nose slightly sunburned,  he turned back down to Brian to tell him of all the things he might see on his way back.  

We were eating lunch when Jamie asked, “ Has there been any news of Ian?”

“No not that I know of.”  I responded.

While it had been nearly a month and a half since my arrival,  there had been no word from Ian or had there been any sign he would be released soon.  I could tell the strain it put on Jenny.

“ Da, How long have ye known Uncle Ian?”  Brian asked.  

We both turned our head to him.  It had been the first time Brian’s accent had even shown the slightest hint of Scots.   An old look flicked across Jamie’s face before,  the oddest mixture of joy and pain, he cleared his face and said,  “I’ve known him my whole life.”

“Oh.”  Brian said, “Will I be like the two of ye with my Cousin Ian.  He’s just a baby but when he’s grown I’ll of known him his whole life.”

“Ye may just be.  But it will be while before he’s out of his clout’s and ready to play with ye.  I think ye have a better chance of having adventure with yer Cousin Jamie.”

Brian looked exacerbated at his father, “But I havena know Cousin Jamie my whole life!”

Jamie laughed and said, “That doesna matter.  No one here had know me my whole life and there still plenty found of me,  or least I hope.” He shot me a wry grin,  I smiled back.

“I guess” Brian grumbled,  and finished eating his lunch.

 When we were packing up to leave I turned to Jamie and asked in a low voice,  out of earshot of Brian,  “You had a odd look on your face earlier,  we you heard Brian speak with an accent.”

Jamie looked down at me a bit bashful.  I lay a hand on his arm and looked up at him smiling softly,  I was all to aware of the feel of hard muscle under my hand and of the little place where his jaw met his throat.  I shook my head to clear it.  There wasn’t the time and we weren’t alone.

His voice was a soft rumble,  “Nothing only,  Brian just looked verra much like my brother Willie then and I took me by surprise is all.”  His eyes had a soft nostalgic look to them,  I leaned up to kiss him goodbye,  “I’ll see you soon.” 

“Good bye mo nighean donn.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Everyone. I caught a bit of a writing bug so here you go! Hope you like it.


	23. Chapter 23

 I was sitting down for breakfast one morning when I heard a shriek come from the door yard.    I had gotten up onto my feet in a second and bunch my skirts in my hand to bustle to the door yard.    _ Red, _  was the first thing I thought,  the overwhelming amount of crimson in the dooryard.  It wasn’t just redcoat though,  it was...

“Fergus!” I cried out.  Jenny had shoved her way past me and gasped.  

“Ma’am are you the mistress of this house?”

I ran over to where Fergus was lying eyes screw shut against the pain.  I wiped the cold sweat that was purling along his forehead,  someone had tied a band along his arm, to try and stop the blood flow.   I would need to get him inside so I could properly disinfect the wound.    I ran my hand lightly down his arm trying to see the source of his bleeding.    I stopped at his hand,   _ or where is hand should be _ .  My breath left me as if I had been punched in the stomach.  

A faint noise came from within me without my knowing.  I saw a blood soaked burlap covering something on the other side of the wagon,  I choked back bile.

I didn’t hear what Jenny and the Redcoat were saying to each other,  I only heard the brief rattle of coin and a gruff command for all of the men to clear out.   As they left some of the boys appeared from the door yard to help carry Fergus inside.  

 He lay like a stature as I cleansed the wound.   He whimpered, of course, he was remarkably brave.   After so look up to Jamie for so long as an idol,   _ as a father _ ,  it was no wonder he acted like a hero.

“My dear boy” I said placing a hand on his cheekbones.  I bit my lip slightly as I felt the brief rub of stubbled under my hand.  He wasn’t a boy anymore,  I had missed it.  

“My brave man.”  I repeated.  

His voice came out a reedy whisper, “Milady you mustn’t worry yourself.  I will be fine.  I am in the best hands there are.”  His lips cracked into a small smile at what seemed to be a very feeble joke.

I grasped his one good hand and smiled at him, “Get some sleep.   I’ll be right here.”

I brushed a black lock of hair behind his ear.  I drew the covers up over him careful not to jostle his arm.   I lean back into my chair and stared down at him,  fighting back tears that burned away to the surface. 

  I sat there in that odd state of never quiet falling asleep,  where you can forget yourself for maybe an hour,  but never losing consciousness.   I got up at one point,  Fergus was asleep,  black lashes dark against his cheek,  just like a baby.  I wandered to the one small window in the room.  I placed my cheek against the glass,  it was frosted with ice.  The cool felt wonderful,  it cut through the storms brewing in my head.  I felt tears then,  large and unrestrained roll down my cheeks.  I only paused to wipe them away when I heard the door open.  Jenny came in.  Her mouth was a thin knife line deep with worry and sorrow.  

“ They gave me coin,  in return for the damage they did to him.  They thought it would ease the pain.  Damn then.  Do they not ken the sort of life he’d live now.”

“ I suppose not” I said.  Unable to find words.

We were quiet for a while,  watching the even rise and fall of Fergus breaths beneath the bedclothes.  The room had the odd black and white quality you only get in the very dark.

“ When ye were a wee lass did ye ever think that life could possibly hurt this much?”  Jenny said finally.

“ I thought I did,  my parents died when I was young,  you know,  but I never thought that life would feel like this,  I never knew how acutely you feel.”

   We sat there a while,  saying little things of no conscious for a long while.  Each second seemed to drag on for years.  The door creaked open and Jamie stood in the door frame.   He was a silhouette against the light from the hall.  When he stepped in,  high face was bleached.  It looked as if every ounces of blood had left him.  When he saw Fergus he let out a gasp,  falling onto the floor next to him.  We let them be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey I back. Felt like writing again. Hope you all like it


	24. Chapter 24

It was late when Jamie walked into the bedroom.  Some of the color had returned to his face, I did not know how long it would take to erase the hard inward look that seemed to have soaked into his very bones. 

“Do I need to go check on Fergus?” I asked,  half getting up as I did so.

Jamie motioned for me to sit down, “No,  Jenny is with him.”

He sighed when sat down on the edge of the bed next to me.  His arms were rigid, his hand pressing on his knees.

I scooted over and laid my cheek on his back,  wrapping my arms around his chest I said into his shoulder,  “Jamie there was nothing you could have done.”

He let out his breath,  “I suppose not” he touched one of my hands lightly,  “But there’s something I can do now.” His voice was very quiet,  scarcely more than a whisper, with a pain. It was a pain I heard only once before,  on the eve of Culloden. I felt a terror run through me, one I never thought I feel again.  

“Jamie?  What are you going to do.” I sounded more panicked than I wanted to let on.

He turned,  just enough so I saw little more than his profile,  stark against the night and glow of the fireplace.

He spoke evenly and calm, “I am going to give myself up.”

“No.”  I said, though it didn’t sound like a word,  just a short sob. I swallowed trying to give my voice form,  some strength that would make him see reason, “You can’t.”

“If there was any other way.  Any choice that I could make that could guarantee yer safety I would do it.”

“I’ve only just found you.”  

He turned fully to me then grasping my hands.  His were so warm, so present. He was my here and now.  I knew now what life without him was like, what it would be life.  I did not know if I could bear it again. 

“I know, mo ghraidh,  but it will not be forever.   It wasn’t last time and it will not be again”

I took my hands away from him wiping the tears from my eyes,  tears I didn’t know I had shed. “I could be, it could be forever.  You’ve seen what the inside of a prison is like. You know just what it will be like and what will happen,  and you may very well die. You could be hanged.” 

“Ye said so yerself that they would stop hanging Jacobites.”

“Or just write the stopped hanging them.  There are enough of them in this country, it could still happen.  Even if they didn’t hang you, Jamie you could still die. You could get sick.  I wouldn’t be there to tend to you” I pleaded

“If I died,  it would have been for the safety of you and Brian,  and for the rest of my family. I would do it, without hesitation.  You are my life. If anything happened to you, mine would be over.”

“Jamie is this because what I said,  after was Ian was born. We’re safe enough with you in the cave.  Jamie please don’t do this. I couldn’t bear it” I was standing at the opposite side if the room from him now,  my back feeling the cold wet draft from the window. 

“Yes ye can.  You’ve always been stronger than me,  if I can so can you.”

“Nothing I will say will make any difference will it.  You are going to leave.”

“I will come back.” He said,  with so much honestly that I almost believed him

“You can’t promise that.” I whimpered.

“No I cannot.  But I can hope.”

Tears rolled hot and violently down my face.  I made no show of hiding my feeling or emotions.  If he was going, let him see what it would do to me.  He came of and clasped me to him, “It will be a time before they come and take me,  it will need to be arranged. Have one of the tenants give me up. The place needs the money.”

I pressed my face into his chest, “Could you please not be practical right now.”

He laughed very slightly, “I’ll try.  I’m just verra scared, it helps to keep my mind off it.”

 I hugged him closer to me.  Thankful that we would have some time,  even if it was just a little.

“Sassenach?” I looked up at him then, “I must ask of ye one more thing.”

“What?” 

“When they come and take me,  make sure Brian doesn’t see. No one should see the father like that.”

I pressed my lips lightly towards him then whispered,  “I promise.”


End file.
